a new beginning

2012-03-07T12:28:00.002+08:00

"Every morning there were these few precious miliseconds before reality set in, before Dora remembered where she was, who she was. Then it will all come flooding back. Each day seemed to bring some new disturbing revelation, some bomb that would make her reconsider her entire existence." - Nora Walker, Brothers & Sisters S01E17

Just a few years back

2012-03-02T14:08:00.001+08:00

30 things I miss about secondary school

F4: my 3 other monkeys - Kames, Asnira, Thahira
The classmates - all the classmates I had from 1/7 and 2/7 to 3/6 and 4/6
The teachers - Cikgu Baya, Mr Alan Low, Mr Andy Wong, Ms Milhan, Mdm Jo
Lower sec Science
Physics period - lessons in class and lab sessions
Chemistry period - being responsible for our own learning
PE lessons
POA
Mother Tongue lessons - both the fun I had sitting next to Thahira and Zubaidah
Recess time with the girls
All-time favourite Mee Soto with the girls
Healthy Lifestyle every Friday - running, dancing, skipping ropes
Sports Carnival
RSS mass dance
Being a part of the National Day Parade for two years - awesome to the power of infinity
SJAB - St John Ambulance Brigade
My fellow First Aiders - the last 12 standing
The St John uniform - the pride and honour
Public duty during school events such as HL and Sports Carnival
Wednesdays / Fridays activity
Footdrill
RSS SJAB Annual Camp 2008
St John Day
First Aid & Home Nursing Competition - I wish I had worked harder though
Focus Study
Evening Academy
Overseas trip to Terengganu with Asnira and Kames
Overseas trip to Darwin, Australia with Thahira
Working my butt off during the last few weeks before the O's at RP with the girls
11th January 2010 - the feeling you get when your hard work paid off and made your parents proud

The perks of being a wallflower

2012-02-25T20:31:00.001+08:00

I cannot wait to see this when the movie comes out. I really can't.

The book was awesome, no, beyond awesome. There are several pages which I loved, but the very last few pages of the book are my ultimate favourite. You know why? Because I was kinda able to relate to it. Because perhaps it gave me both answers AND questions. Aiya, what am I talking? I'm never good at expressing my thoughts and feelings with words. I'm never good at bringing my message across, am I?

So, I personally think that I need to give myself more time to "digest" the "moral" of the story. So maybe I should come back again the next time to share more about my thoughts, with myself. HAHAHA, I'm funny -.-

Chori Chori

2012-02-24T18:51:00.003+08:00

Watched Chori Chori for the second, or maybe the third, time. I remember the last time I watched it I was in bed and crying my eyes out at this scene. And then I just kept crying and crying till the movie ended. Then I cried myself to sleep. But right now, stuck in the same situation, hurt just like before, I'm not crying. Not even tears in my eyes. I keep finding myself stuck in the same situation for the umpteenth time. Now, all I am is numb. I feel hurt, I'm sad. But I've decided that there are better ways to face this "problem". And, that is to care less. The one who cares the least is the one least hurt, isn't it? Doesn't it work that way?

Nevertheless, I love this Hindi movie just like I love Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Muhjse Dosti Karoge and many more.

Ps. I feel like a child who has to use explicit words to describe how I feel.

I keep telling myself that I'm wrong, I shouldn't think that way, but really how wrong can I be?

Without You

2012-02-22T18:43:00.002+08:00

I can't win, I can't reign

I will never win this game

Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

I won't run, I won't fly

I will never make it by

Without you, without you

I can't rest, I can't fight

All I need is you and I

Without you, without you

Without You

Can't erase, so I'll take blame

But I can't accept that we're estranged

Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb

If you're not here, I'm paralyzed
Without you, without you

I am lost, I am vain

I will never be the same

Without you, without you

Without you

Future? What future?

2012-02-21T00:14:00.001+08:00

Watching Glee triggered the whole thinking-about-the-future shit. Whatever Rachel and Finn are facing totally got to me. Then I thought, why am I thinking about the future? Look where I am now, look at whatever I'm doing now. I never thought I'd be in this place right now. I never thought, in my wildest dream, I'd have to grow up so fast, I'd have to be this strong, I'd have to be matured and wise. Everything I thought about in the past, is nowhere near where I am right now. So, why am I here thinking about what's gonna lie ahead of me next?

Gosh, all this thinking is enough to make me feel light-headed. Dad had to try and start one of his typical "wise" conversation. I feel really bad for making him shut up but I really couldn't take anymore, or my head would have exploded, and I'd have to vacuum the whole house. I know what he was gonna talk about. "I walk everyday further and further away from You." Probably we ALL walk everyday further and further away from Him. I am so ashamed of myself. So ashamed I wish I could bury my head in the ground, but the best I can do is bury my face in the pillow.

On a slightly different note, why do we fight so often? It can be about the slightest things, yet we can simply kill each other. Sigh. I don't know if I'm allowed to or not, but I always fear that differences can pull two friends apart. You know, the more you get to know each other, the more you realise that you and your friends aren't alike most of the time. You can be the best of friends, yet be totally different. Let's take Shithead and me for example. (I don't know if you're ever gonna read this, Kames but anyways...) We are really really really good friends. I don't know how good, just simply too good I guess. Hah. But we are worlds apart. Our similarities probably stop at the people we don't really like. Nonetheless, we still click and love each other to bits. Goodness, this is really hard. I'm really not good at using words to describe such abstract topics.

So, I'm gonna retire for the night. It's already past midnight anyhow.

I aM mE

2012-02-18T10:02:00.001+08:00

So, how was my official first day of the semester break?

I went shopping for the ingredients to make Aglio Olio while Asnira shopped for the ingredients she needed to make cupcakes. And, Nadiah? Well, she was the Masterchef as usual, and was supervising everything. Really. Well, this was how it went..

After shopping for everything we needed, they came over to my place and we had the most unforgettable war with Mr Cockroach. I don't know if it was a stubborn cockroach, or a dying cockroach, or a brave cockroach, or even all of the above. Hah. Since its presence was giving all three of us a really hard time, we deviced all sorts of ways to get rid of it. Suggestions such as using the broom, using Baygon, USING THE VACUUM TO SUCK IT IN, and using the spray you use to water plants. Of course the first three suggestions didn't work because ALL THREE of us were too scared for fear the cockroach decides to fly or something. HAHA, we were all up on the chairs but ready to run away and leave each other behind in case of emergency. Hahaha.

At last, Asnira used the spray and sprayed water to shoo it away. After which it stayed in one corner, and I think it died. BECAUSE I WOKE UP ONLY TO FIND A DEAD COCKROACH IN MY TOILET. Good thing Dad was awake and he finally got rid of it FOREVERRR. Sorry Mr Cockroach, I don't know if you were already dying or you were simply not scared of three big girls who tried everything they could to scare you off.

So yeah, that was really an unforgettable war with a cockroach. WE COULD HAVE PROBABLY MADE A DOCUMENTARY OF OURSELVES FIGHTING A COCKROACH.

Okay, enough about the cockroach.

I started on the Aglio Olio, which was brunch for me and Asnira, lunch for Nadiah. While Asnira started on her cupcakes. So I chopped the garlic, the cili padi, siang the udang (from which I think I got a "cut" from) all under the supervision of Masterchef Nadiah, who was also supervising Asnira while she was doing whatever she was doing for her cupcakes.

After the Aglio Olio was ready, while waiting for the cupcakes to bake, these two made me watch Hello Baby MBLAQ Season as we had our brunch/lunch. Goodness, totally different from Hello Baby SHINee Season. MBLAQ got THREE MULTICULTURAL kids of different gender. Wah, good luck to the MBLAQ appas ah.

So yup, that means I have one more show to watch over the holidays, besides catching up on Glee, 90210 and Pretty Little Liars. BUT I NEED A JOB. I really do. This month is really bad. I've used up my entire allowance even before mid of the month. And, I foresee that I would need more since we'd be going to USS and the girls in school are already planning for outings. SO, anybody got lobang? :_(

Ps. Don't feel like going for dance training today. Don't even know what we'll be doing. I kinda miss spending my time at home with the family during the weekends. And, to top it off, the paternal side is having a family gathering over at Tampines to nom nom. I'm so sad now. Can I don't go for training? Or maybe leave earlier? : (

Baby G-Shock

2012-02-17T11:21:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since I woke up and not have to discipline myself to shower, then open the holy ICU textbook. I think I've read aboout one third of the book in that 3 days of mugging session. Oh well, it's over yet I can't fully rejoice because I think I'm disappointed in myself. I've been studying hard, but NOT SMART. A lot of the things I stuffed into my brain wasn't tested at all. A LOT.

Sigh, all I can hope for now is that my answers (or whatever crap i wrote) are good enough to be awarded marks and that my cumulative GPA won't deteriorate even more. Sigh.

Sigh sigh sigh.

Anyways, went out with the girls after the paper yesterday. Totally impromptu. Went to catch The Billionaire, starring Koong from Suck Seed. Personally, I prefer Suck Seed better because there were so many funny moments. But, The Billionaire wasn't so bad either. The best part of yesterday still goes to the time we spent at Wendy's. Laughed so hard my tummy hurt. Good times when you can be all silly with a bunch of other silly people too. Haha.

Right now, there's a cockroach in my kitchen and I can't take my eyes off it. HAH. That sounds ... as if I'm admiring a really good-looking ... bowl of Aglio Olio. Haha. I want some Zesty Tomato Aglio Olio. Oh well, hopefully I'll be able to make some delicious Aglio Olio, with the help of Ang Fei Fei of course.

CRAP! The cockroach is moving again. Can't you just stay in one place, dear Mr Cockroach?

HELP MEEEEE!! :_____{

Twitter Zombie

2012-02-15T20:53:00.000+08:00

I've been Twitter dead for a really long time, longer than I thought I'd be. Probably, I can survive without tweeting every single day afterall. These walls I've built are going really strong too. No idea when it's gonna come crashing down. Probably not so soon either.

Yes, I suffer from a disease called social withdrawal. Antecedent: Being pushed off the edge, got caught by "surprises". Behaviour: Push everyone away and build walls. Withdrawal from social activities, loss of appetite, sleep disturbance, irritable. Consequence: Annoyed, confused, angry friends and family members.

This is what happens when you mug for I C U for three days straight. Sleep not later than 11pm, wake up not later than 9am. Start studying by 9am and finish studying earliest at 5pm. I'm gonna go into a coma soon.

Okay la, my tear ducts couldn't hold it anymore, and so I broke down. It suddenly reminded me of how I would break down and cry every other day doing Math back in secondary school. And how Kames Shithead would always be texting me and giving me moral support and always making sure that I'd do my work. Yes, A Math gave me a really hard time. It was my nemesis, and I so very often do not do the work Mr Whoever-His-Name-Is-I-Forgot gave. He was a really good Math teacher by the way. But I think he no longer teaches at Riverside :(

So anyway, I'm gonna finish studying the last bit of ICU tonight. Then do all the recalling, recall whatever I've retained in my brain, tomorrow morning, and tawakal when sitting for the paper tomorrow afternoon. Hopefully, all the mugging and stress won't be flushed down the toilet. InsyaAllah.

On a totally different note, came upon an old blogpost - http://un-definedd.blogspot.com/2009/08/smiley-wack.html Gosh, I miss secondary school and the people. For instance, my partner, Mr Ong Yanshing.

How much more?

2012-02-13T21:12:00.001+08:00

I walk everyday

2012-02-11T23:54:00.001+08:00

I'm DEAD TIRED. The cramps and backaches totally sucked the life out of me. Good thing it only attacked after dance training. Or I could have probably been brutally murdered. Okay I shut up. So yes, today's training ended pretty late. Also because Cikgu came like 2 hours later than the time we reported for training. Okay la, today's training was better I guess.

And woohoo! We got a "project" from Cikgu. And that is, to memorize the choreo for 2PM's I'm Your Man. No idea what the choreo's like, but according to Cikgu, it's simpler compared to other choreo. Well, let's see how it'll go yeah.Training again tomorrow morning. Wonder what it'll be like since the actors are coming in too.

Ps. Can't wait to watch Bendahara.

Further and further away from You.

Snip Snip Snip!

2012-02-10T19:33:00.004+08:00

Wow, I FINALLY went to snip off my hair. IT'S SO SHORT NOW THAT I CAN BARELY FEEL ANYTHING ON MY HEAD. Obviously the longer your hair is, the heavier it gets right.

Nooooo, my curls or waves or whatever you call it is goneee :{ I've lost count as to how many people thought I permed my hair. Thanks, everybardy, thanks. I'll take it as a compliment. But anyhow, I really pity the aunty who had to deal with my really stubborn, damaged hair. Hah. Sorry ah, it was long, and thick and all tangled. (I really wonder how Rapunzel took such good care of her hair.)

Dad's gonna freak out when he comes back from work, and see that I've "ignored" his "advice". Ahhh, there goes all the kinds of hairstyle and braids I can do to my hair. Hopefully Cikgu's not gonna freak out or something too. HOPEFULLY, it'll be longer, or long enough, when April comes around. I really have no idea how anyone's gonna do the "inverted braid" on my hair now. Hah.

"This inherent inequality stems from the stigma created by purposeful segregation which generates a feeling of inferiority that may affect their hearts and minds in a way unlikely ever to be undone."

Asdfghjkl

2012-02-09T20:55:00.001+08:00

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LousylousylousylousylousylousylousylousylousylousylousylousyME.

It's 1 in the morning

2012-01-31T01:09:00.001+08:00

Yup, it's 1 in the morning. And I'm here blogging at this hour because I've no school tomorrow.

Okay, no. I just feel sad. Like really sad. The kind of sad that my vocabulary isn't wide enough to describe. Yeap.

(Fireworks have been ongoing for God knows how long. It was really pretty.)

Okay, honestly, I don't know what else to say, other than "I'm sad". Because I can't say this to anyone. Because no one would probably understand. You see, you tell someone, anyone, that you're feeling sad. They'd probably ask you why, or cheer up, what's wrong. And the thing is, I wouldn't know how to answer that. Because, strangely, I feel comfortable feeling sad. Maybe I'm just regulating my emotions, dealing with them instead of pretending like I usually do.

Sigh. I always wonder if anybody ever understands the gibberish I write.

Anyway, I know it's late. And I've got lots of things to do. But, I just want to sit there and stone. Yup, just stone and stare into the thin air. And, think of all the sad things in the world. Like, how people can be so selfish and inconsiderate.

Sigh. I wanted to write about something actually. Something about two people in love. They're so cute together. She's pretty, he's good-looking. They're both from the same socio-economic background. They both ... are just simply in love I guess. Yeap.

Okay, I should probably get back to stoning before I crap even more.

It's my Lazy Day

2012-01-25T22:44:00.002+08:00

Yes, today is my Lazy Day. Went to school in jeans and tshirt, sneakers and backpack. There was hardly anything in my backpack though. Hah. Okay, it doesn't sound lazy lazy, but I really felt like I just woke up, grabbed whatever I could and dragged my feet to school. Embek.

My appetite's improving. Which means, I'm bound to gain back the 3kg I lost *sobs*

Speaking of appetite, went over to Alumni for lunch today since SIM was closed (probably still celebrating CNY, hah). Ordered Fish Baked Rice. But it came like really late. I think it came like 25 minutes before the next class. Dan Hua mama was worried we'd be late for class so she unintentionally stuff my food down my throat. So sad I didn't get to enjoy my Baked Rice to the fullesttt! *sobs harder*

Rushed to class only to find out that it was a (not compulsory) consultation session *insert a diao face here please* Really worried about the remaining 3 assignments. All 3 like due at the same time, apa tak stress dok. And, CFC presentation on Wednesday. Sigh. And I'm totally lost about CPD's assignment.

I wanna crumble ;{

The most terrible poverty...

2012-01-21T20:09:00.004+08:00

The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved - Mother Teresa

A day spent with a friend is a day well-spent

2012-01-21T01:19:00.001+08:00

I don't really know why, but my appetite hasn't been good for the past few days. I've been eating really little compared to what I usually do. Perhaps I'm too occupied with the assignments and projects that I don't realise I'm not eating. Or maybe it's because of whatever happened last week. I mean.. I'm getting over it, but you know there'll be a point when you just lose it all 'cause you've put up with it for way too long. Idk, I call it the breaking point. Yeah.

And to top it off, I get this feeling which I dislike ALOT every time I'm going to bed at night. It just sucks that when you're around people, you kinda act like everything's perfectly alright. Like you kinda have to act like you're perfectly alright. But in actual fact, you're not. And when you get too caught up "feeling alright", all that's bugging you makes you feel exhausted at the end of the day.

Am I even making any sense?

ANYWAYS. Finally met GTG. I can seriously forget about cooking delicious meals for my family (if I ever get married in the future). Making sushi was supposed to be pretty darn easy. Well, Kat made it look so easy. BUT I failed. Im so sad okay.

Okay.

It's the day

2012-01-19T06:58:00.001+08:00

Was having a terrible headache last night. So I kinda died right after putting down my bag. Crawled into bed after showering, and I was probably fast asleep before 11. I kinda have a lot to do, besides school work, so I kinda told myself to drag myself out of bed before 7 in the morning. So, here I am.

I wish I could stay in bed longer because I've not slept that well in awhile.

ANYWAY, we had this talk after school yesterday. I know we were already told before hand about FYP / FYI and how certain classes would go for FYI in the first sem while the rest would go for FYI in the second sem. So it just happens that 3T02 an 3T03 would be going for internship in the first sem. Well, I'm glad I'm going for internship later in the year, but ... :________(

Goodness, time flies huh. We're all gonna be in Year 3 in about a month's time! Poor Kat. She only has 4 days after the exams to relax, play and enjoy before the Year 3 nightmare begins :__(
Ah freak la. These 3 years like "Zoom, zoom, zoom! No time to catch your breath. You better move your ass and move it fast!" SERIOUSLY, WHOEVER SAID POLY STUDENTS WOULD HAVE AN EASIER TIME, HAS BEEN NEVER BEEN TO POLY. AND WHOEVER WHO SAYS THAT HUMANITIES COURSES, ESPECIALLY EARLY CHILDHOOD AND CHILD PSYCHOLOGY COURSES, HAVE AN EASIER TIME BECAUSE THEY PLAY AND HAVE FUN ALL THE TIME, HAS A FRIED BRAIN.

HAHAHA, I know I sound agitated, but I'm actually not. Okay la, abit only. 'Cause at times, I feel really tired.

Gambatte! *Chaekyung's determined punch*

Behind

2012-01-16T20:48:00.006+08:00

Tired. Burned out. Disheartened. Exhausted. Drained. Bushed. Dejected. Distress. Fatigue. Jaded. Weary. Worried. Blue. Pain. Strained. Vex. Scared. Frightened. Terrified. Alarmed. Shock.ed Spooked. Startled. Dismay Petrified. Panic. Intimidated. Stiff. Afraid. Fearful. Anxious. Apprehensive. Rattled. Nervous. Upset. Perplexed. Confused. Bewildered. Disturbed. Messed up. Agitated. Frantic. Hurt. Unsettled. Unhappy. Sad. Depressed. Despondent. Cheerless. Down. Gloomy. Heartbroken. Troubled. Sorry. Heavyhearted. Bothered. Distraught. Uptight. Uneasy. Tensed. Alone.

Sinking

2012-01-15T12:20:00.000+08:00

You say you love them, but you hurt them just the same.

Why? Do we all do it unknowingly? Do we not realise that we're hurting the people we love the most? Maybe it would be better if we all try to put others first. Maybe it would be better if we all stop being so self-absorbed. Because you really don't want to hurt the people you love, and I don't want to see the people I love hurt each other.

Same shit, all the time. When will we ever change? When will we ever realise our mistakes? When will we ever realise that by hurting the ones we love, we're hurting ourselves too?

I'm exhausted. I'm tired of putting up a strong front, when deep down I just want to crumble.

No, we must be strong. I must be strong.

“Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.”

2012-01-12T09:12:00.002+08:00

I honestly have no idea how tired I am. For the past few days I've been going to bed sub-consciously. Like, one moment I know I'm doing something. Yet the next moment I find myself in bed. And I vaguely remember dad saying or doing something before I really enter the snooze land. Last night, I remember I crashed on my bed as soon as I got home from the movie date with the girls. The last thing I remember before really going to sleep was reading my Twitter timeline. God knows what exactly happened in between. Ugh, dislike this feeling. It's as if I got drunk and can't remember whatever happened. HA. HA.

Let's TRY to put aside this uneasy feeling, because I think I received a few text messages while I was sub-conscious, or even unconscious. Then I realised I was supposed to check my email. So I TRIED checking my inbox when I'm still sub-conscious earlier this morning. Whatthehell is wrong with me -.-

Okay, that's not the point. The point is... there will be a briefing next week about our final year - whether we'll be doing the first semester in school or doing our internship first. AND we'll know which class we're in THROUGH AN EMAIL which we will receive AT THE END OF THIS WEEK. Bloody shit. I don't know why, but I feel like it's all coming a little too soon. I'm already kinda overwhelmed with the assignments we have, and the presentation, and the debate (BOTH NEXT WEEK). And on top of that, what with Chingay and __________.

Okay, Hanis, relax.. Breathe in, breathe out..

So, yeap, went to catch Courageous last night. It was a really impromptu movie date with the girls. So sad DH couldn't join us. That busy woman. Haha. Ms Foo showed us the first 2 minutes of the movie during lecture yesterday, and we all agreed to catch the movie together when it's out. NOT knowing it's already showing in the theatres, HAHAHA. Mrs Asha also mentioned about the movie during ICU tutorial on Monday. We were discussing about the surveys we did on parents and what they think of the inclusive classroom model, which eventually led to a discussion about how important the role of a father is in a child's life. Which, of course, led to this AWESOMELY TOUCHING movie. There were some REALLY FUNNY scenes too! So, you can imagine what kind of roller coaster ride we were on. You literally laugh out loud one moment and the next you find yourself tearing. Haha.

Okay, I better go or I'll be late.

Earth laughs in flowers

2012-01-04T20:43:00.002+08:00

It's elearning week yet I've been spending the past three days in school doing groupwork. And yes, I still have to go to school tomorrow and Friday for the Open House. Need CCA points so bad I volunteered to be games facilitator tomorrow, and there's a performance (as usual) on Friday. First week of 2012 is pretty hectic, isn't it? Oh wait. I forgot to mention there's Chingay training on Saturday. 9am to 6pm :( Not looking forward to the socialising part. For the sake of 4 CCA points..

Yeap. The vicious cycle has begun. When the school term officially commence, there's an assignment due every week. Oh wait, there's 2 assignments due in 2 weeks' time =.= But I guess were're pretty efficient. 1000-word essay for ICU is done, 1500-word essay for CFC is also done I guess. Just need to book a consultation with the lecturers to make sure we're on the right track. Haha, it's the same lecturer for both modules. (Okay, not funny.)

Pretty Little Liars, here I comeee~

New year, same old me

2011-12-31T19:48:00.001+08:00

Wow, it's a whole new year in a few hours' time. New Zealand's embracing the new year already. Today felt like just another ordinary day. Maybe it's because it's been stay-at-home-and-laze-around these past few days. Been re-watching Brothers & Sisters right from the beginning. Nope, no assignment done yet. There's nothing much I can do anyway. Yes, it's been bugging me.

Wow, a whole new chapter lies ahead. I feel more nervous than excited honestly. Maybe because reality is setting in even more than before. You know, you grow older, you fall harder, you need to pick yourself up faster, be stronger, because there's probably no time to crawl anymore.

What am I talking. But I guess this year's gonna be pretty hectic, pretty eventful. So much to do, so much to expect, so much is gonna take place. The new year means a step closer to graduating, a step closer to entering the real world, the working world, the adulthood. Prepared? Prepared to grow up and be even more responsible for myself? I don't know if I am. But what the hell, BRING IT ON BITCHES. Hahaha.

New year kaya toast

2011-12-29T10:32:00.001+08:00

The new year's coming in a few days' time. I was working on a video to sum up my 2011, but then it got too long and WMM was being a bitch. So I haven't really finish doing it up. I realised a lot took place this year. Lots of school stuff, projects, outings, dance, drama. And the fact that the academic years are not the same as the calender years, it makes it confusing when I tried to recall whether something happened this year or last year.

The highlight of the year? I don't know.

What I know is everyday I wake up in the morning and wonder what to do for the day, because apparently, my groupmates are thoroughly enjoying their term break when there's so much of work to do! But oh well, hoping for a really productive elearning week.

Learn life

2011-12-26T23:59:00.002+08:00

Fly me to the moon

2011-12-21T09:56:00.004+08:00

I might be away for awhile. I need to find the pieces and complete the jigsaw puzzle. It might take awhile, I might give up halfway. But no matter what, it's important to find myself again. It's important for everyone to know and remember who we are. We gotta remind ourselves to be strong and stand for what we believe in; could be what we were taught, could be what we learned.

... and let me play among the stars.

Through the window, lies a world

2011-12-19T16:52:00.000+08:00

It's raining pretty heavily out there. It looks like it's snowing water. Haha, I don't make any sense at all.

Just sitting there and looking out of the window gives me pure serenity. The combination of both the green grass and the blue sky is beyond awe-inspiring. Bliss - the word that often comes to mind when I look out the window.

I don't know how I really feel right now, but for someone who don't adapt almost easily to change, I just want things to stay the way they are. It took me years to get over 521. Trust me, it's gonna take me years to get over 171 just the same.

Term break calls for ...

2011-12-16T12:39:00.001+08:00

SAMUEL AND DAMIAN BOTH WON THE GLEE PROJECT!!

I really thought there was only gonna be one winner, and it would be Damian since I heard he's in a lot of episodes of Glee Season 3. But who cares! Samuel won too! If only Cameron was another winner of The Glee Project, it would be the perfect threesome to star in Glee! Hehe.
So, I can finally start watching Glee again. Haha, took me so long to catch up huh.
Anyways, the term break is here. Well, it's suppose to officially commence tomorrow, or the next week, but since Wednesday was the last day of school for us CPEE students, yesterday was the first day of our term break (Y) Nadiah's gone to Vietnam for the weekend, Ellis' gone to Thailand and will only be back on the 19th. Heard Salmah's flown to Tokyo for the break too. Dan Hua will be going to Taiwan for two whole weeks. A few other CPEE students are going or have gone overseas too. Oh well. That's not the point.

The point is, even if I'm not going anywhere this term break (as usual), I'm super glad that it's finally here. Although it's not gonna be purely a real break, I still need it. A little bit of time for myself, a little bit of time to catch all the shows, a little bit of time to watch some movies, a little of bit of quality time with the friends, a little bit of quality time with the family, and a little bit of time for the huge pile of assignments. Term 2 will always be packed with a hell lot of assignments #usual

So glad the A's are over too. Been more in touch with Shithead. Planning to go to the beach and go cycling some time during the break, gonna go bowling to celebrate the lovebird's 19th wedding anniversary, got a pending movie date with my boo, got a pending catch up date with my lesbian partner, anddd planning for a really productive term break at the same time! :}

When the day is gone

2011-12-07T21:22:00.001+08:00

I've had my long shower. Right now, I feel like shitting.

So, the talks about the future is getting a little too frequent. I thought I knew what I wanted. What I wanted to do in the near future. Only to realise that I just want to find The One, get married, travel the world, have children, stay at home, have a happy family.

Truthfully, I didn't consider taking up the Writing & Publishing Specialisation track. But after Ms Peggy, the course manager, came to class to talk to us... Well, I was a mess after the talk. I don't know why but it's pretty obvious she got the whole class thinking about considering our options again. Well, the Early Intervention Specialisation track was partly the reason why I chose this course in the first place. I wanted to work with children who have special needs. But you know, maybe I have other aspirations too.

Okay, maybe this whole thing is messing with my head because I can't decide whether I should just stick to Early Intervention or give Writing & Publishing a try. Of course, I have to make a wise decision, because my GPA is gonna be hugely affected. I never really thought of furthering my studies , but I got a feeling I have to if I want to realise my dreams, right?

Do I even make sense, or am I just uttering nonsense?

-

Let's just take one step at a time alright.

Oh when the day is gone
Oh when the nights are long
Life goes on
Life goes on
We gotta live it up til it's gone
Cuz we won't be around too long
Life goes on
Life goes on

Lately it seems the good dreams are few and far between
Nightmares are putting fires out with gasoline
And I'm just tryna stay rightous
Sometimes I see my own face in Christ's likeness
And apart from my life's vices, fifteen years young had my first mid-life crisis
But it's tough to stay up right empire from people you hold high speeding up the most buyers
My daddy told me misery loves company
If that's the case they must hating they ain't getting none from me
I don't sweat it, they set better in my DNA
I got a good heart, and bad braids be a man

Oh when the day is gone
Oh when the nights are long
Life goes on
Life goes on
We gotta live it up til it's gone
Cuz we won't be around too long
Life goes on
Life goes on

You take too much for granted
I just can't understand it
We don't ask, we demand it
He been trying not to panic

Oh when the day is gone
Oh when the nights are long
Life goes on
Life goes on
We gotta live it up til it's gone
Cuz we won't be around too long
Life goes on
Life goes on

Say a little prayer

2011-11-30T22:59:00.002+08:00

Why is it that I always have a hard time finding the right words to start a blogpost? Like, (almost) every single time.
Been wanting to blog, since probably five days ago, but kept postponing. Mainly either because I was tired, lazy or just couldn't find the RIGHT mood. Oh well.

Let's start with today's CFC lecture where we had a guest speaker, Mr Jason Wong. He's the person behind the Yellow Ribbon Project as well as Dads For Life movement. He's a wonderful man, judging from the one and a half talk he gave. I really enjoyed listening to him. He made me think, like ALOT, as I listened to him share stories and had to try and hold back my tears as I watched the videos he showed. Especially the one where the mothers in the prison got to see their children on Mothers' Day. It was really emotional, for someone like me.

I can't deny that being in CPEE has only aggravated my Forever-Overthinking syndrome. Since Year 1, almost all the modules that I took or am taking make me think like alooottt. Even Developmental Psychology of Learning. Learning about the development of children (or people) has probably helped me understand the people around me better. It's definitely gonna be helpful as I meet more people in life. Hah.

Besides that, modules like GISP (Global Issues: Singapore Perspective) constantly reminds me that the world does not revolve around me. And that I should be really grateful. Topics like terrorism, poverty, globalisation and biodiversity not only improve my general knowledge but also help me be more aware of the things happening around the world. That brings me to the videos that I've watched in GISP. The latest video we saw during GISP tutorial gave me goosebumps - the Cambodia Genocide. I can't believe Ms Jean actually visited the place where they carried out the mass killing. Tengok video je da seram, I can't imagine myself stepping into the building where they were kept "imprison" and the field where they were tortured and killed.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking a course that helps me better myself. Like a self-realisation and development course, instead of learning Child Psychology & Early Education. HAH.

Another module that I enjoy this sem would be Collaboration with Families and Communities (CFC). Helps me get to know my family better, be more grateful for the loved ones I have, learn ways to improve and maintain healthy relationships and the list simply goes on.

Okay, my English sounds really terrible. I feel like a primary school kid writing a composition. Oh well.

-

"Faith is a necessity."

U to the S to the E to the LESS

2011-11-20T16:10:00.001+08:00

I feel really really useless right now, really. You're all beat up and there's possibly nothing I can do to help you, or even make you feel better. It really sucks. Is it possibly because I'm not able to put myself in your shoes? Is it possibly because I'm not the most trustworthy, or the most reliable person? Is it possibly because I'm not exactly the best person to talk to? Is it possibly because I can't do much?

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. *level of cortisol increasing by the minute*

Right now, I really don't know what's the right thing to do.

I'm such a lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy lousy friend.

Sahabat

2011-11-06T13:17:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered how long a friendship you share with someone will last?

Somehow this question will always pop in my head consciously or otherwise when I'm having a good time with my friends. The bus-stop conversation I had with Kat made me wonder if we would be able to reminisce the good (and bad) old days 10 years from now. Would we still be as close? Would we even still be in touch? Would we have drifted apart and live our separate lives?

Needless to say, I most definitely enjoy a good conversation (with anybody). A conversation that is good could also be a stupid, ridiculous one that goes nowhere.

As usual, I don't exactly look forward to kenduri or family gathering for fear that my socialising skills would fail me miserably. But I guess last night wasn't so bad. I just feel a little laggy. Because the girls were talking about their married lives and having babies. Yes, Cousin Nin is expecting. How cool is that. I'm gonna be an aunty once again. Looking at Uncle's wedding photos make me wanna meet someone and get hitched too. I have this awesome picture of a married life that's filled with rainbows and unicorns in my head. I know, I know, go ahead and burst my bubbles. Married life can be just as terrifying.

Oh well. In the family, me and Cousin Indri are the single ladies left. She thought of going to USS in lieu of my birthday celebration. Then we realised it's near impossible to find anyone else to join us. Since the rest are either busy juggling school and work, busy working, dating, making babies or even pregnant, she suggested asking Cousin Nabilah and then they'll bring along their boyfriends *INSERT THE LARGEST ._____. FACE*

SALAM AIDILADHA!

Dance For Life

2011-11-04T12:55:00.002+08:00

For as long as I can remember, these two weeks have been all about dance. We had DANZ2011 on Tuesday night and there's the preliminary / qualifying round later tonight for the HMS Talent Quest. Frankly, I'm not that confident of making it through to the finals. I don't know what the other classes are bringing to the floor but I think our dance is not WOW enough. But of course, I do hope we'll make it through. It'd be an awesome experience babe. Haven't done anything like this before. Especially not for a contest or competition.

Speaking of DANZ2011, IT WAS A PRICELESS EXPERIENCE. Especially being part of the contemporary dance, it was definitely an amazing opportunity. For the next few days after the performance, I had DANZ2011 fever because all I wanted to do was dance and perform again. I had a wonderful experience and it feels good that we did GREAT. Many may not have understood what the dance was about, but at the least we caught their attention and probably managed to win their hearts too. Like, someone for instance, was totally surprised by our contemporary dance. Don't underestimate our capabilities dude.

JIAYOU, XPD! TOGETHER WE'LL MAKE OUR DANCE PRODUCTION NEXT YEAR A SUCCESS!

And to Cikgu, we really appreciate the effort and commitment you've put in. With your help and guidance, XPD will go a long way man! From the bottom of my heart, thank you for believing in us, Cikgu ♥

And, thanks peeps for coming down to support us! ♥

Eighteenth Excitement

2011-11-03T13:37:00.000+08:00

SO, while all these memories are still fresh in my head and heart, I shall blogitout. Heh.

See that cute Eiffel Tower blouse I'm wearing? That is the very first birthday present I got from my beloved Kat. She got me Gift #1 when we were shopping at Bugis a week before my birthday. Hehe. I bet she was irritated 'cause I kept reminding her of my birthday. (Too bad for you, you spend a lot of time with me and birthdays mean a lot to me so.. HEHE!)

Then on the 26th, I don't know what happened to the plans my BF made but we ended up having dinner at Banquet before shopping for goodies at Cold Storage. The parents got Banana Split flavoured ice cream. I STILL WANT THE AUTHENTIC BANANA SPLIT :(

On the 27th, dad worked overtime. Then he and brother went out. Of course, at that point of time I didn't know what or where they were going. I was already asleep when they came back. I don't know what time it was when I was awoken by a loud sound coming from the kitchen ('cause it didn't seem to come from the living room). Brother came into my room shortly after. Can't remember exactly what he said but he did try to make sure that I went back to sleep. Which I did. As usual, I'll wake up at around 3 in the morning. Then, I thought I was seeing things because the moment I opened my eyes, all I saw were green and orange circles on the ceiling. When I was more conscious, I realised they were balloons.

First thing I did was counted them. Yup, there were 18 helium balloons. I think it's really sweet and corny (HAHA!) because my most beloved family has never done something like this before. You can say this is kinda bizarre IN A GOOD WAY. I'm usually the one who fancy doing stuff like these. So yeah.

Anyway, I was really sad when I came home only to see all 18 balloons on the floor la! Sigh. But oh well, the colours still make my room really pretty. Heehor.

So after everyone left for work and school, I thought I could have some alone time after showering. Surprise, surprise! My dearies Felicia, Meiying, Dan Hua and Nurin were knocking at my door while I was dressing up in my room at 8.30 in the morning. Haha. So sweet of them. I must have given them the idea when we surprised Dan Hua by ambushing her at her house. HAHA!

Had Oreo Cheesecake from McCafe and Felly got me a stack of monthly planner. Haha. Who'd knew.. Watched The Glee Project for awhile before leaving for school.

After school, Ang Fei Fei came over to pass me Gift #2 and OMS episodes and my little SHINee friends :D WTF (Where's The Food?) - I like the sound of that HAHA! Love love the birthday card she made too! Watched Prom and I think Thomas McDonell looks REALLY good. Hehe.
Thahira came over at night. I had fallen asleep while waiting for her grand arrival. Then talked for awhile before I fell asleep. She told me all about the Scarefest, complete with details. And to top it off, she kept turning back and looking at the bedroom door -_______-
On the 29th, met Kameshpotato at Marsiling MRT station in the morning to pass her super duper belated birthday present. It's been ages since I last saw her BUT she hasn't changed one bit. Still the same ass. Hah. She got me a dress from Forever 21. (I still want a charm bracelet.) It's pretty cute. Shall find a day to wear the dress.

Then met Ang Fei Fei at Woodlands interchange after getting drinks, cups and newspapers and off we went to Woodlands Waterfront. The rest (Ezzuan, Asnira, Ellis, Azri and Mysara) were already there. I thought it was really cool that they made me search for my presents. Of course, the first present/person I found was Ellis. Her head was popping out when i was looking up at the playground.

Ellis sew me a soft toy, named Flopsy. I salute her man. All the presents I've got from her are really REALLY special. I don't get presents and cards from her just on my birthdays. Whenever she feels like it, I'll get a small note, card or even a long letter written with pure sincerity and love. Her presents and gifts are usually handmade. Wah, she's really different. She's really special.

AND THE BIRTHDAY CARD SHE MADE ME IS REALLY COOOOOOL! Cooler than the chewing gum card (or rather letter) I got from her two years back.

So, next I found my GTG's present under the playground. He made me a really gorgeous pretty-looking scrapbook la seh. I guess he meant it when he said he knows me.

Besides that, Ezzuan made Oreo Cupcakes using his mother's recipe. It's not very sweet but still very nice (:

After failed attempts to locate the last hidden present, they finally told me where it was. Good thing these short hands managed to get the presents from Asnira. I love the camera! So cool lo. And the Eiffel Tower keychain WOOO!

After blowing the candles, I was getting a little hungry. So I asked if we could eat. Much to my surprise, no food were prepared. So we ordered McD. The delivery guy literally delivered the food to our "doorstep" HAHA! Was a little taken aback.

After that, it was all fun and laughter.

No, Kat, I have not forgotten about Gift #3. Just saving the best for the last - DOUBLE OREO CUPCAKES. I love them because they're filled with Oreos and they're really sweet and yummy!

Lastly, Thahira gave me a really nice birthday present on the 2nd of November. Love it!

With that, I would like to thank EVERYONE for EVERYTHING. I would like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for making my eighteenth a very special one. I probably wouldn't forget the emotional roller coaster ride I was on. But like any other roller coaster rides I've been on, it usually ends with a smile on my face. A BIG TRUCK LOADS OF LOVE, HUGS AND KISSES ♥♥♥

On the clouds

2011-10-26T21:04:00.000+08:00

I've been a mess for far too long. It's probably time I stopped having expectations and high hopes AND START MAKING MYSELF HAPPY. Pamper myself, indulge myself, everything myself WHEEEE~

I gotta thank these people for helping me out of my little shell. The shell I always hide in whenever I don't feel good. Whenever I feel like hiding and just being with myself. Whenever I wanna build walls and shut people out.

Selfish bitch I am

2011-10-25T23:57:00.001+08:00

I'm tired. Tired of pretending. I wanna run away to a far far away place.

This is crazy! To think that one thing I wished for most is so near to impossible. After what happened last year during my birthday, it seems like I have birthday phobia. I don't think I'm looking forward to turning 18 or 19 or 20 or 21 anymore. Because everytime my birthday comes around, things get pretty ugly. And what sucks more is when I have to pretend that nothing's wrong and I'm fine, especially around people who have not a single clue. After awhile, it gets really exhausting. Who cares about turning 18 just so you don't get picked on EVERYTIME your friends are deciding on what movie to catch. Who cares about turning 18 just so you can go sheesha. Who cares about turning 18 just so you can go clubbing. YOUR MATURITY LEVEL DOES NOT NECESSARILY EQUATES TO YOUR AGE.

Whats worse is when you have to choose between your family and your friends. Like, you shouldn't even have to be in that situation. Family comes first. I feel really bad and it's worse when people make you feel bad because you chose your family over your friends. And all the upcoming performances couldn't have come at a more appropriate timing. What's with the occasion and missing lectures and tutorials. What's with the talent quest and the presentation. What's with the examination period. Sigh sigh SIGH.

Nevertheless, I'm really glad I'm part of the contemporary dance. I think it's really cool and it's a really enriching experience. Now my butt really hurts. Like there's a blue black. Ouch.

I really wonder

2011-10-24T23:11:00.002+08:00

I must be really NOT okay. I totally zone out while I was in the shower. I only came back to Earth the minute I grabbed my towel to wipe myself dry. I totally blanked out. I forgot if I had washed my face with my facial wash. Whatever I was doing in the toilet felt so unreal. Like it was just a dream or something.

ZZZ

I really wonder if you're really ignorant or oblivious or plain dumb. Or maybe self-absorbed. Do you really have no idea that I'm hurting? And that your words hurt? It's amazing how you can act as if nothing happened. Like, it's okay to make me feel like this.

I can't say this to your face because a war is really not what I want right now. So I'm gonna say it here.

Don't, just don't

2011-10-23T21:34:00.001+08:00

Why can't you give me some space, for a little while?

All I need is just some space to breathe. Some space to find myself again. Some space to love and appreciate myself. Some space to sort out my thoughts. Some space to be without you. Just a little space to be with myself.

I feel and I think I've done quite alot for you. Id' do almost anything for you. You are that important to me. Just for this once, maybe a few more times in the future, I'm sorry I can't come to your rescue. I'm sorry I can't just do what you want me to. I'm sorry I'm standing up against you. You really don't need to make me feel worse. Because you should know that I feel horrible everytime I have to say no to you. And, I just die a little bit more inside when you say things like that. I really don't fancy sarcasm either. You might not mean them and I should probably not take those words to heart, but it still hurts.

No tears, Hanis, no tears tonight.

You should take a long shower then go to bed.

When the sun shines and the rain pours

2011-10-20T10:07:00.003+08:00

So, how do you define the term "best friends"?

Look, I've never really thought about what defines a best friend, because I thought it's something that happens naturally or without needing to identify specifically who and who and yada yada. How exactly do you LABEL someone your best friend? What factors come into consideration? What are the requirements? Time? Objectives? The things you do? Don't you think this is utterly weird and ridiculous? I mean.. Someone once told me that if two people are best friends, then they are. There's no need to put labels or stuff like that. It just.. It should and would come naturally.

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walk out." - Walter Winchell

"A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." - Bernard Meltzer

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend." - John Leonard

"A friend is a gift one give oneself." - Robert Louis Stevenson

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best of me." - Henry Ford

"A best friend can tell you things you don’t want to tell yourself." - Anonymous

"Lots of your friends want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." - Oprah Winfrey

"A friend accepts us as we are yet helps us to be what we should." - Anonymous

"A true friend is someone you can disagree with and still remain friends.If not, they weren’t true friends in the first place." - Anonymous

I can probably find 101 quotes to define a best friend, but that might not necessarily be enough to define a best friend. NURUL NADIAH really got me thinking here. Now, I'm missing an old friend :(

-

"Fact: I have a habit of listening to hardcore songs whenever I feel down. No sappy sad love songs, no Korean songs. Linkin Park, RJA, Saosin anything loud and heavy rockish because it makes me feel better. *inserts emo face here*" - Nadiah

Graffiti decorations
Under the sky of dust
A constant wave of tension
On top of broken trust
The lessons that you taught me
I learned were never true

Now I find myself in question
They point the finger at me again
Guilty by association
You point the finger at me again

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

Paper bags and angry voices
Under a sky of dust
Another wave of tension
Has more than filled me up
All my talk of taking action
These words were never true

Now I find myself in question
They point the finger at me again
Guilty by association
You point the finger at me again

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

I’m gonna run away, and never say goodbye
Gonna run away, gonna run away
I’m gonna run away and never wonder why
Gonna run away, gonna run away
I’m gonna run away and open up my mind
Gonna run away, gonna run away
Gonna run away, gonna run away

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

-

If you know how important this is to me, you'd put in more effort. If you really know me like you claimed, you shouldn't be cracking your head right now. You'd know what I want.

I feel like a rockstar today

2011-10-18T23:53:00.000+08:00

There are probably alot of things running through my mind right now.

But, most importantly, why me? Why was I chosen for the contemp item? The contemp item which will be the "big and important" performance on the 1st of November. Which is also apparently some fund-raising thing for the President's Star Charity, am I right? *insert shitface here*

Probablyyy because the remaining dancers are Year 1s? Yup, that should be the case. It's not because I'm good enough or anything. It's just... luck. Yup, LUCK.

Oh well. I'm gonna have to work real hard since I've been given this opportunity. Go, hanis. GO, HANIS! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~

Ps. I got myself a pair of (cheap) shades WHEE~

I'd be at there to catch you when you fall

2011-10-15T22:47:00.000+08:00

I wanna be able to accept who you are, what you do, how you think, what you believe in. But at the same time, I don't want to lose who I am, what I do, how I think, what I believe in. You get it?

We've come so far.

I feel pretty unpretty

2011-10-14T18:26:00.001+08:00

Ps. Click to see cool shizxzx

A date with my love doves

2011-10-12T12:28:00.001+08:00

Others might have been busy raya-ing during the weekends, but my family was queuing at Manhattan Fish Market on 4th September. That faithful Sunday night.. HAHA!

I think my mum looks really sweet :>

And my brother looks so innocent =.=

This little boy was seated behind us with his parents. He kept looking over and then suddenly appeared next to me. I doubt he knew I was taking his photo at that point of time.

Empat orang makan lapan puluh lapan dolar eh.. Satu tahun satu kali je boleh ah..

Lots of love.

Simplicity's the best

2011-10-04T20:08:00.001+08:00

You know those times when you just wish you could run away from things, from the life you're living, from people, from anything. I guess this is one of those moments. I suddenly wish I could run away from Singapore. Like live somewhere else quieter, simpler. I wanna go some place where life was much simpler. It does not necessarily mean easier. Life can be hard yet simple at the same time, can't it? I could be harvesting carrots or something. Haha.

I wanna go to a place where the people are nicer, simpler, friendlier, idk. When I say that, I don't know why but villagers came to mind. Haha. Me living in a kampong.. Interesting.. People I'm surrounded with are just SIMPLY too complicated and too hard for a dumb girl like me to fathom. What could a man you see waiting at the bus stop be thinking about - money, women, his wife, his children, his career. So many possiblities right. Or he could even be thinking of a way to grab your bag and dash across the road. HAHA.

Before I end off (because my brain doesn't seem to be functioning well anymore), best friends tell each other everything - how true or how true should this statement be? Food for thought.

It's time to move on

2011-09-23T14:00:00.000+08:00

I really don’t like this feeling I’m feeling right now.Well, it’s 2 in the afternoon and the children are having their naptime. Yup,I’m still at the centre – enjoying the peace and quiet as the children aresleeping. Some are snoring away, others are just looking really angelic as theysleep so soundly. Haha. This is probably the only time you can hear a needledrop. (Am I making any sense?)

Today’s the last day of my internship. Well, yes, I’m comingback on Monday afternoon to pass them their goodies and a little something forthe teachers too. But, still. 21 days fly past so fast. I know this day wouldcome. The day when I’m reluctant to berpisah with the kids. You know thatfeeling when you can’t wait for internship to end, but deep down you knowyou’re gonna miss the kids when it’s time for you to go.

Damn it. The same thing happened at the end of IP1 last yearand now I have to go through it all again. Though this time’s probably harderto let go. I mean, I spend 9 hours a day with these kids. It feels like I sawthem grow (in that short period of 21 days). I got to know them better eachday. It’s as if it doesn’t matter if I don’t understand Chinese. I understandthem, and that’s all that matters.

I’M REALLY GONNA MISS THEM! I know I need to give myselfsome time to get use to not seeing the kids everyday anymore. Oh, Chloe, WeiWei, Alyssa, Yu Jie, Xian Zhen (who did not even come the whole of my last weekhere! *insert a really sad face*), Cheng Lin, Ryan, Lele and the resttt. Not forgettingthe children from the other classes – Ian, Jaden, Isaac, Sue, Dean, Haris,Faris. The older children do not necessarily need to be cute and cuddly forthat bond or rapport to happen (?). They still made my time here at Kinderlanda memorable one. Needless to say, the time I spent here is not just filled withrainbows and unicorns. The times when the children pissed me off and the timesthey make me feel like giving up complete the picture too. Of course, the timeswhen I feel like I’m being bullied or made use of as well. (You know why theteachers are making a big deal that it’s my last day today? Yes! They would nolonger have people to help them do their work. They would no longer have“slaves” to take care of the children. They … I guess you get it HAH.)

Less than 3 hours before I leave this place as an intern.

Really really not liking this half-hearted feeling – half ofme is glad IP2 is coming to an end, the other half of me is reluctant to leavethis place :<

2011-09-09T22:18:00.000+08:00

Reflecting..

Monday, September 05, 2011

Been reflecting these past few days. And I've come to realise something. And I drew up a conclusion.

I am good for nothing. And I deserve all the shit I get.

I don't cook. I don't do housework. I'm not smart. I'm not good at directions. I'm scared of practically everything. And I cry at every single thing. Everytime I talk, I hurt someone. If I don't talk, I hurt someone. I annoy people. People just don't understand me. I keep thinking about me, me and me and no one else.

I'm a fucking mess.

Seriously I tried to think of something that I'm good at. That actually makes me worth something. Which someone can actually say they're proud of.

I'm lonely.

There, you go. She said everything I probably wanted/ needed to.

2011-09-09T22:10:00.001+08:00

Someone shoot me now.
I know that her birthday's on the 10th. But it simply did not occur to me that the 10th IS TOMORROW! Stupid. If I had missed the first minutes of her birthday, I think I deserve to die. HAHAHA ._______.

So anyway, this special friend of mine is turning 18 tomorrow and I have not prepared her present. Diao.

Lots of love,

XOXO

Merry Christmas...

2011-09-02T14:16:00.000+08:00

I mean, SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI!

It's Friday, again. The week went by so fast. Almost as fast as the lightning. I could barely recall dragging my feet this week. Except maybe to the toilet to take a shower at the end of each day. Spending 9 hours or more at the childcare is seriously draining and exhausting.

I know, I know. The last time I blogged was probably a month ago. And now, I'm still complaining about how tired I am. You're welcome to shoot me =.=

So yes, I havent blogged about quite a handful of "big events" that happened months ago. I don't think I can recall every single tiny details but here are the photos.. Oh before that, I managed to recover this draft of the "Bachelorette Party TAK JADI" that happened on the ... 30th of April -.-

Lunch at Manhattan Fish Central with Cousin Nin (bride-to-be), Cousin Indri and friends
Ordered cakes from Secret Recipe at Plaza Sing
Met Cousin Ili
Shopped for stuf
HAHA! Second time of these, first was when Cousin Ili was getting married a few years back
Then went to Little India to order the wedding cakes from Paisley & Cream - vahlau eh! Saw this lady making cupcakes, decorating them and all. Wah! Shiok! The smell was so intoxicating
Went to Tekka to find costume and accessories for our performance
Met the rest there
Talk about the GE in the car
Went to Bencoolen to get Cousin Iqmal's watch
Saw this really nice elegant watch - I want!
Sent Cousin Ili home and met Aiman Shafiy!
Wah, he's only turning 3 and he's so smart already! He speak really fluently and picks things up really fast! So cute! Genius parents = genius children HAHA
Went home (Cousin Indri's place)
Washed up and got ready
Headed down to Clarke Quay after midnight
Wrong choice period
Nevertheless, made a few acquaintances
Went home after 2
Girls talk till God knows what time then fell asleep
Woke up to an empty house
Everyone else except Indri and I went to Johor
No food at home so we ordered Mac for breakfast
We were both on the phone when the delivery guy came
But I was still the one who opened the door with my horrible baru bangun tidur hair
Ate while watching Chestnut
The show so sad I teared
Then Indri decided to skip work
So instead of heading home, we went to Bugis to find dresses for the wedding dinner
Wah, been spending alot these two days
Still need to buy one more textbook and set aside some money for mother's day
And set aside some for my shoes and pants!

Yupp.. That's about it..

Then there was the wedding. It was fun and tiring, and at some point frustrating and annoying. Yup. Then dinner at Sakura with the girls. In lieu with Asnira's birthday. Haha!

Let the photos do the talking (:

Okay bye.

My Moment

2011-07-21T20:07:00.004+08:00

I just cried my eyes out. I feel so sick and mentally drained. Never have I felt so tired that the moment I woke up from my mini siesta (although it's not in the afternoon) in the bus earlier, I felt like I went into a really deep sleep. Never have I felt so stressed out and freaked out and frustrated and angry and jealous and envious and pressurised before. I don't know whether it's the fact that I've been brought with such high expectations (seriously, why is that phrase making me break down into tears again?!) that I can't stand not being at the top. Or whether it's the scholarship. The fact that one of the requirements of the scholarship is to be on the goddamn Director's List or the top 10% of the cohort is driving me crazy. I fucking need the scholarship more than Mei Xian does. More than half of the peeps in class don't need to worry about their lunch, but I do! I need the fucking money.

Oh Allah, give me strength to carry on. I know I need more perseverance. I must not give up because it's not the end yet. I must continue trying. And trying and trying.

"You don't know. You don't know. You don't know what it's like when you try and you try and you try and you try and you dont ever get there!" - I Am Sam

#NowPlaying Rebecca Black - My Moment & Demi Lovato - Skyscraper

Come and Go

2011-07-18T21:17:00.007+08:00

I cannot say this anymore. It's probably the 876247821912940739th time I'm saying how tired I am. A part of me can't wait for the semester to be over but another part of me is not exactly excited for the 6-weeks internship. Internship's probably gonna be fun and an enriching experience and all, but the thought of another round of fatigue is pulling me down into the dumps. Like, it's FREAKING semester break! Didn't really had a REAL 100% term break due to the assignments ... I should probably shut my face right now. Stop complaining, whatthehell -.-

Nevertheless, the fatigue and stress and pressure and everything else you can think of is giving side effects - negative, bad, nasty side effects. Side effects such as sudden outbursts, breakdowns, hurting others' feelings, strained relationships, neglecting dear ones and maybe, just maybe, the list goes on..

I hate how my dad becomes the ultimate victim of my suppression/anguish/unhappiness/stress. Like, I'll yell at him, I'll shout at him, I'll ignore him, I'll irritate him. In short, I'm being mean to him, being really nasty and rude if I were to say it bluntly. Sigh. I sound like I'm suffering from some nervous breakdown -.- But seriously, I can't stand how I treat the people around me. Especially the people at home. It's like the time when I let all hell lose is at home. So the people at home have to suffer because of me. But I can't seem to help it! Like, I'll only regret my actions after I've cooled down. After I've let out all my frustration etc.

Boy, I need help. And dear God, I seek help from You :'(

Erikson's Theory

2011-07-13T19:05:00.002+08:00

According to Erikson's Theory, infants up to the age of 1 develop basic trust vs mistrust. But I think that happens, probably, till the day we die. I mean, we meet new people all the time. Even when we don't, actions of the people around us tend to affect the impression we have of them to vary from time to time. Perhaps it's part of the process of getting to know each other, better, or even better. Sometimes, yes, we meet people that we can click with as instantaneously as possible, but we still learn something new about them every time.

And another amazing thing is, you can be on good terms with someone / friends with people one day, and act like strangers or feel awkward around each other the next. Amazingly mysterious.

We meet again

2011-07-10T02:23:00.002+08:00

When will today come again?

It's way past 11

2011-07-06T23:20:00.002+08:00

Yup, it's definitely past 11pm. My eyes are feeling terribly heavy. I feel tired, exhausted. These few weeks, or months, have been soo packed with so many things ranging from assignments to group projects and to teaching. I guess it's a blessing in disguise that I haven't got too many students to "handle". Two is definitely enough. The workload is O-M-G. I mean, it's a different thing if you don't really care about your students. BUT I DO. I want to be the best, and I'll give them nothing but the best. I'm not there yet, but I'm still trying. Yes, I'm trying my best.

I have yet to blog about the mini bachelorette party and the wedding and the trip to Botanic Garden with the coursemates. Right? Have I blogged about Sakura? Oh dear. So many things have happened and I haven't manage to find the time to blog in peace. ARGH *pulls hair*

And, dance. And the fact that PCF is being a total selfish bitch. I know you're giving me money, but that doesn't warrant you to tie me down for my FINAL YEAR ATTACHMENT right?! Yes, I'm having my final year attachment at PCF. WTF. I want to go to KKH ke some special needs school ke. Aiyoooooooo! And, not to mention how much I miss my gay bitch. I MISS HIM LIKE A FUCKING TRUCKLOADS! But, I don't think it's being reciprocated. That feeling just so totally sucks.

SIGHHH.

Magical touch

2011-06-25T19:47:00.004+08:00

Sometimes a change is needed.

Like, really badly. HAHAHA!

Well, I just changed all my password. Hmm, let's see, for Twitter, Facebook, email, blogger ... What else should I change? Maybe I'll just keep the same old password for Wireless@SG in case some people need to "borrow" my account. See, I'm so kind. Too kind that people know my password that it no longer seem like a password because, simply it doesn't work like a password. What's the point of a password when, what, more than 4 people know my password right. Right.

Actually, it was the thought that people might try to hack into my blog account that gave me the idea to change my password. Loving my new password. It's not exactly new la, but still :D That feeling I got when they say the strength of my password is STRONG was just so exciting! Hahaha. I'm nuts.

-

This blogpost was supposed to be all emoshit and all, but I really have no idea how it turned out all crazy and MENTAL!

But still, I miss my bestfriend.

I miss him so bad. So so bad.

Forever and always

2011-06-21T08:31:00.003+08:00

That's NOT true.

I care, my friend. I care so much I yearn to hear from you. It doesn't matter how you talk, JUST TALK TO ME ALREADY. And when I say talk, I mean talk.

SIgh. This feeling sucks.

Secrets

2011-06-15T00:03:00.003+08:00

I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
Til' all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw wink, no
I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

My god, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don't really like my flow, no, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

Oh, got no reason, got no shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, All my secrets away

-

I need a break.

I need to break away. I need to run away.

One in a million

2011-06-07T04:50:00.000+08:00

I only have one question, and that's WHY?

Baking Mania

2011-05-25T09:54:00.004+08:00

I've always wanted to try making those Double Fudge Oreo Crunch Cookies ever since I came across the recipe on the internet. Bought the ingredients a few weeks before I finally found the time to bake. So, on the 17th of May, since it was a public holiday, decided to take some time off E-learning and bake. Yup, I baked. All on my own. Though it could have turned out better, 'cause I left them cookies for a little too long in the oven 'cause I thought I could multi-task doing E-learning and baking, it didn't turn out so bad either. In fact, it was pretty well-liked :D

Gonna make some more when I can find the time. Most probably after the wedding *tired face*

Then it was kind of an impromptu decision to make cupcakes for Liyana's birthday. Went over to Nurin's to bake two days before her birthday. It's niceee, though I don't fancy cinnamon. But Liyana looove cinnamon, so I guess it was a success (:

Freakout

2011-05-17T13:40:00.003+08:00

"Belajar je tinggi-tinggi, tapi tak tahu..."

Tak tahu apa? Tak tahu this, tak tahu that. Tak tahu everything la. I'm so sick of this line being used against me. So so sick.

Belajar salah, tak belajar salah. Is it even my fault that I can't cook, I can't bake, I can't sew (and the list goes on)?!??! Is it my fault that I don't (know how to) party, I don't club, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't have a boyfriend?!?!

I try and I try and I try all the freaking time. I try to please everyone. I try to put myself in their bloody shoes. I try to put them first. But my freaking good intentions keep making a mess of things.

I can't remember the last time I had an awesome sleep. I can't remember the last time I woke up so eager to face another day (it was probably way back in secondary school). I feel like I'm drowning, I feel like I'm losing myself everyday. I feel so overwhelmed with everything, from school to CCA to home to friends to every other extra things.

Being a scholar is like trying to catch a live shark with your fishing rod. Dance feels like a responsibility at times. Like everything I do, I've got to be aware of the CCA points that will be rewarded. I can't go to dance every week just because I love to. I need a CCA. I can't be part of the Famine Camp just because I want to. I need those damn CCA points. I can't be part of the YEP just because it's a dream I've always had. Those CCA points are still haunting me. I can't go to school and learn everything because I want to work with children. I MUST be some top 10% so that I won't starve.

And, I suck at being a really good friend. I can't seem to say or do the right things. I can't seem to please them all. Most importantly, I don't understand them.

I feel like giving up right here, right now.

Mental edge

2011-05-11T13:29:00.001+08:00

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

Bananas

2011-05-10T23:40:00.002+08:00

It's gonna be a tough fight. It's gonna be areally tough fight. You have no idea how badly I want it. I don't think I have any idea of how badly I want it either. Come on, it's like a HUGE thing. 8 places only. I fear that I wouldn't be able to take it if I were "rejected". I doubt I know how to react or response to whatever might happen. I have 3 days to prepare myself for whatever's coming my way. I hope I can truly embrace the fact that God knows best.

When you're gone, I'll be strong

2011-05-01T21:59:00.001+08:00

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/avril-lavigne-lyrics/when-you_re-gone-lyrics.html ]
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through
The day and make it ok
I miss you

-

Still here waiting (:

Showcase

2011-04-28T10:09:00.002+08:00

In less than 12 hours, Kat's gonna perform during the MCC Showcase 2011, along with Aini, Syidah and Namira.

Ya la, mesti la sedih tak dapat perform for our very first Zapin item. Actually, I didnt want to be part of the performance anyway. So, haha! But I really love the dance. Haha, which dance yang Cikgu choreograph yang aku tak suka..

Like what Kat said, last-minute dance items seem to be XPDtari's forte. Haha. I remember the very first training I had, when we were told we have a performance in 2 days' time. Then Puncak can also be considered a last-minute performance. And now, once again, the song, routine and formation were all done just two days before the showcase. Awesome la seh kita. Hahaha. No, the pros yang awesome.

Can't wait to see what Cikgu has in store for SPROUTS!! Although I have feeling I'm not gonna be good enough to perform :(

Okay la, ALL THE BEST DANCERS! ♥

Private Speech

2011-04-26T23:55:00.002+08:00

My back is seriously in pain. And tomorrow, I'm pretty sure I'll wake up aching everywhere.

Training, or maybe warm up, was more intensive than last week's. We did more serious stretching and everything else. I think I need new training pants. Mine's gonna have a hole in it soon. Damn, I still can't believe Cikgu was actually able to lift me up -.-

Anyway, started on Totto Chan during the long, super sian 3-hour break. Seems like a really nice book (: And had my favourite Seafood Aglio from Zesty Tomato after so long! Hehe. It was hotter than usual though.

Alright. Shall settle some admin stuff before I decide what to do. Tutorial day tomorrow starts at 11. Finally! But even though school ends at 4, I can't jump for joy this week. Don't know what to expect for the interview tomorrow. Plus the actual event. Gotta mingle-mingle and make friends. Bleh. Heh.

Okay la. Selamat malam.

Ps. I can do this!!! *CK's determined punch*

Misunder-conflicts

2011-04-25T22:19:00.002+08:00

There are probably a hundred and one things on my mind, maybe not as of right now, I don't know. Been struggling with myself, managing those self-arguments inside me. Yup, there sure is a war going on between me and myself.

Wow, this is harder than I thought. Putting my thoughts into words. It's even harder feeling that I might.. lose someone really damn important. Important to the power of infinity.

I kinda hate the fact that I'm able to relate the modules I take in school to things I face everyday. Not necessarily the subject of this post only. The fact that I can relate whatever the lecturer brings up in lecture or tutorial or, even worse, both to things or experiences might not be such a good thing afterall. Most of the time, it results in overthinking. I'll just think and think and think and ponder and ponder and ponder till my head hurts and all of my energy drained.

And then when I can't sleep at night, I'll watch Shin (still thinking) before tossing and turning in bed before falling asleep when I'm finally exhausted. Anddd then spend most of the time in lectures and tutorials trying to stay awake. First day back in school was not bad though (:

Nevertheless, I really hope God would continue to give us strength and continue to watch over us. InsyaAllah, we'll get through this.

Flying Kisses

2011-04-24T23:02:00.002+08:00

You see that cute little girl up there? Well, she's my Little Miss Sunshine (:

Hahaha. Anyway, it's 11pm for goodness sake and I'm still here blogging my time away. I should be resting for a whole new chapter awaits. Yeap, it's the first day of the first semester of Year 2 tomorrow. Yeah, school officially started last week. But only the ThinkPeople of HMS get an extra week off. Not exactly those kind of weeks where you just do nothing and have fun or get plenty of rest before school starts. Was still busy with dance and work and dance some more. Haha.

Speaking of dance, spent the last day of my semester break over at Indri's practising. Damn the routine is sucking every bit of energy in me. It's so challenging I think I might just break some bones. I feel so kakuuuuuu -_______________- In fact, I feel my body aching alreadyyy ;(

On a brighter note, had fun spending some cousin time with both Indri and Iqmal. Watched the Grand Finale of Junior Masterchef while we had KFC for dinner (which was also probably my lunch also) as we had the whole house to ourselves. I don't remember the last time I was that high and crazy. Isabella wonnn yaw. Thanks to her HAPPY MEAL :D Hahaha, I am indeed a comedian, aren't I, cousins. HAHAHAH xD Da, merepek.. -.-

Mannn, tomorrow's Monday. And we gonna have S&W so early in the morninggg. Don't even know what sport I got. And! Will be seeing the Malay male lecturer for 4 hours every Monday for the next 6 months or so. Still wondering what he looks like. Hmmm.. Kinda excited for his module though, The Psych of Exceptional Children - I loike :D At least, I like the sound of it.

-

I'm so tempted to just pop the DVD into my laptop and continue with Princess Hours. Hehehe. I promise just one episode okay. I wouldn't last any longer anyway.

Alright, goodnight (:

It's .. Good Friday

2011-04-22T13:12:00.001+08:00

"Everything’s immobilised, and being on par with reality seems like the hardest thing to do in this entire universe. Words of comfort and advice will only serve as a momentary relief. The rest of the time, I will find myself staring into space, with my mind painting pictures of how the future may be like. Then somehow, somewhere along the edges, pictures of happy moments come together by the force of memory and I slowly succumb to the fear of losing what I have.

These challenges never cease, do they?"

- Zubaidah (http://www.procrastinatingtime.blogspot.com)

Others first, always

2011-04-21T20:56:00.007+08:00

I have so much to say. So much. But I have yet to sort out my thoughts. I have yet to figure out how to put them into words, into proper, grammatically correct sentences. But nevertheless, God's been really nice to me. He has given me such strength. He has given me the courage I need.

I have no idea if I make any sense but I am really grateful for everything.

And this have really inspired me, in every possible ways. Be it to live my dream, be it to be strong come what may, be it to always put others first. This is truly amazing. The movie is, needless to say, highly recommended by me.

So anyway, so happy that I get to finally meet Shithead. We calculated. The last time we saw each other was two months ago. Boohoo. Did I tell you we were singing to the songs everytime Justin's concert scenes were showed? :D

♥

Peace Pilgrim

2011-04-19T11:59:00.012+08:00

"Keep your feet on the ground and your thoughts at lofty heights."

Wednesday, 13th April 2011

So, skipped work and headed down to UCC to watch the SYFs. Now that I think about it, it was my first time watching the SYFs at UCC. In fact, I've never perform there before either. If I remember correctly, my primary school SYF was at ACS.

Yeah. Anyway, it was really awesome. We only watched a few of the secondary schools. They were really good. Okay, not all. But schools like Ang Mo Kio, Admiralty, Bedok Green, and not forgetting Riverside stood out to me. If I remember correctly, they were synchronised and their formations were clean. Haha, macam paham Hanis. And not trying to be bias (I wasn't even part of RSS Malay Dance anyway), Riverside was REALLY good. Their movements were sharp and synchronised *standing ovation*

-

We went off during the lunch break. Was planning to go to Junction 8 to do a little shopping but we ended up spending a few hours at the new Clementi Mall. Finally had Burger King for lunch (been craving for it!). Then we went on a hunt for shoes, which was a failure. Haha. Had my first Chewy Junior though. And also got my tights from Cotton On. And earrings from Helen. Andand PRINCESS HOURS DVD from TS Video at Junction 8! Hehehe.

Thursday, 14th April 2011

Went to work only to rush back home when we got to know Grandma is sick. Spent the whole day (almost the whole day) at the hospital. Since she was admitted, been spending at least a quarter of the day doing "hospital duty" for the next few days.

Friday, 15th April 2011

Before heading to the hospital at around 4 in the evening, spent some time with the girls at the Botanic Garden. It was so much fun. Lovely morning to start off the day. Our breakfast was all junk food. Haha. Finally won a game of Monopoly Deal! Then we played Happy Family and Donkey. And blow bubbles! Sooo awesome. HAHAHA. Oh, and the bubbles attracted this little ang moh boy. SO cute! I'm starting to sound a bit idiotic.

And check out all our failed jumpshots :(

Saturday, 16th April 2011

Went out with the *whisper* XPD girls to Vivo. Motive of the meet-up was to prepare a little something for our dear ex-Head and ex-asstHead. Haha. Lazy to elaborate. So just enjoy the picturesss (:

OhOH! There were fireworks over at Sentosa, or maybe the resorts world, or wherever it was. Haha. One word, SPECTACULAR.

-

Okay, so, they live happily ever after. The end (:

To get it right

2011-04-18T22:20:00.003+08:00

What have I done? I wish I could run
Away from this ship goin' under
Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it right

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it right

2011-04-13T23:59:00.000+08:00

We very so often hear people say "I'm here if you need me". But really how many of that really counts? Are they really "here"? I don't know. I wish I had the answers, but life as we know it isn't as easy as snapping your fingers.

I'm having more and more difficulties controlling my emotions. Even worse, I tend to vent my depressed bottled up emotions onto those I should never. I feel really guilty all the time after I've calmed down.

Then you have those who, I guess, really truly cares, those "listening ear". How much of the things you tell them would really be understood? They're not in your freaking shoes. They probably don't even care.

A good cry never fails to make you feel better (though it never help solve problems).

Have you ever thought maybe while you're worrying if you could afford a trip overseas or a branded bag, there are those who worry that they might lose the roof that's over their head?

It's a lesson for me, and everyone else

2011-04-10T00:31:00.003+08:00

I still can't believe it. Like, it all came a little too suddenly. Okay, I admit I kinda felt this day would come, but I never thought it'd be so soon. Oh come on, Hanis. You should know better. Days you expect always come sooner than expected.

Everytime I look at him, I see a little boy. I see a baby, a baby so dear to me, a baby I love so very much I can't bear to see a single scratch on him. So it's really, really hard to try and imagine him ... Ya.

I can't help but blame myself too. I guess if I had a stronger, deeper relationship with him, things might have been different. He could have probably confided in me or at least I wouldn't have been the last to know. And with his medical history, he shouldn't be ...

I feel ultra guilty. I didn't play my part well enough. I should spend more time with him. I should treat him better, give him more attention, be more concern. Omg, I'm so lousy. Only God knows this ugly feeling.

Love, love, hate everywhere

2011-03-28T23:43:00.006+08:00

Managed to spend some quality time with my BF as soon as I came back from Ali Baba camp.

Spent some time with Mother after her work today as we roamed around the half-new Causeway Point. Spent some time with the whole family while having dinner. Spent some time with Father as we looked through photos and videos related to my show. Didn't manage to spend much family time on Sunday 'cause I kept falling asleep as I upload the photos to Facebook and unpack my stuff. Ended up sleeping till the next morning. Still amaze at how I managed to upload all the photos, unpack everything and did most of the laundry. (Left with the penyamun costume and jubah unwashed, even till now.)

This whole month had been dedicated to work and training for the show. The last week was dedicated solely to trainings. Stayed in school for 5 days 4 nights. Had trainings till late night. Had very little sleep, yet loads of food. There were ups and downs, as usual (like the past few months since the very first training started). In short, there were soo soo many things that happened in just 5 days 4 nights. The craziest silliest most memorable, the good and the bad, things happened. Time flew by so fast that I didn't even realise how energy-consuming it was, how exhausted I was (maybe still am).

But at the end of it, I feel so accomplished, so happy, so proud. I would probably have regretted it so bad if I had chosen to not be part of this production. To top it off, I had my loved ones behind me all the time, supporting me. Cikgu made me realised this - the fact that my parents have been really supportive of everything I do. I ought to thank Cikgu for indirectly telling me that I'm very lucky that I have such cool and supportive parents. He said that it's quite rare to have a father who would call his daughter "Kentang". Yup, the first word Father said to me when I made my way to meet them after my show was none other than "Kentang".

Other than my family, I have to specially thank Ezzuan and Thahira for making time to catch the show. They came for the Opening Night and had dinner with me and Nadiah till quite late despite getting scolded by their parents. Idk, I just feel, appreciated? Loved? Supported? Yup.

"Inikah kentang?"

Besides the show, the opportunity to spend 5 days 4 nights with the girls is very rare. When else would we get such an opportunity to stay at the loft together (untuk mengeratkan lagi silaturahim antara satu sama lain)? Hahaha. Through Dinamis, I managed to get to know the girls even more other than making new friends with the other MCC people.

I'm gonna miss the late nights we had - the laughters we shared, the stories we heard, the thick and thin we went through. I'm most definitely not gonna forget the times when we had to make our way back to the loft after every training very late at night. You know when it's dark and there happens to be some creepy crawlies, we just need one person to go "EEEEE!" or just scream, the rest of us will scream and lari lintang pukang WITHOUT even knowing what is there. HAHAHAHA!

MISSES! ♥

So far so salty

2011-03-19T22:37:00.006+08:00

So, how's things been going for you people out there?

-

It's been tiring, draining, exhausting dan apa-apa saja yang sewaktu dengannya la eh. Haha. No kidding. Started working again at KK on the 2nd of March. Training then resumes on the 5th, which was also xpd's first outing.

Cikgu treated us to a theatre production at The Arts House, called KABARET. Serious funny shit. It was crude and all, little wonder it was rated M18. In fact, it's the first Malay theatre production that's rated, if I remember correctly. All I remember was I had fun with the girls. Laughed so much.

Yummy Bad Boy ;D

For the past few weeks, the world seems smaller and smaller all the time. The quite-cute-penyanyi-dakwa-plus-drummer from KABARET happens to be the drummer for our Ali Baba Blah Blah Blah production too. Then we got the violin guy as well as the keyboard-ist (HAHAHA!) from PUNCAK for the production also. Semua orang macam kenal semua orang gitu. Haha.

Then speaking of Ali Baba Blah Blah Blah, training's been like a roller coaster ride. Some days you get so irritated and pissed off you just wanna kill someone. Other days you get all high with the rest and laugh so much, you do the silliest craziest stuff and have so much fun. Haha.

All the fun, joy and laughter apart, I can just feel the fatigue weighing down on me every single night. 6 hours of packing and carrying heavy boxes or coffee beans, and on your feet most of the time can so wear you out after 13 days of work okaaay. Besides working in the day, there's still training at night pula tu.

Tapi tak pe la. Work's done for the month. Will resume work next month. For now, must concentrate on Dinamis. What, FIVE DAYS LEFT TO THE SHOW. Wah shiok. Haha, kinda excited at the same time scared. There are quite a few scenes where I'll be plonk right in front of the audience. Scary shit! Da la the stage abit different. Bleh.

-

Brain cells going to bed already. Anyways, before I go MIA once again, just wanna wish my dearest baby brother A VERY HAPPY 14TH BIRTHDAAAY!

Push and pull

2011-03-10T23:46:00.001+08:00

I can't touch the ground
I'm waking up feeling happy each morning
That's what you do,
That's what you do for me
I like the way we talk when we're all alone
We're walking hand in hand when we're on the go
Living life like we're in a great movie
That's what it's like
That's what it's like for me

Honestly, when you look back at me
And it means so much to see you smile
Cuz that's all I want,
All I want, ohh

So when you think no one's there for
You don't need to look far
I know what to do
Cuz I'm
The one, baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one
[I will be the one]
When your dreams feel so out of reach
I'll give you that push
Baby all you need is
The one, baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one
[I will be the one]

I will be the one
I will be the one

When I hear your name I just start to smile
I could spend the night, stay a little while
Laying there just watching some TV
If I'm with you, baby I'm happy
Everything before you is just a blur
But girl when I met you I knew you were
The one to change my direction
I promise you I'll be your protection

Honestly, when you look back at me
And it means so much to see you smile
Because that's all I want,
All I want, baby

So when you think no one's there for
You don't need to look far
I know what to do
Cuz I'm the one
Baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one
[I will be the one]
When your dreams feel so out of reach
I'll give you that push
Baby all you need is
The one, baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one
[I will be the one]

I would fight it
If someone told me we were over
I would cry it
If someone else stepped in the picture
Cuz no one, no one gots my eye
I won't, I won't waste my time
I can't trust myself with no one else
Cuz no one else would trust me
None but you

When you think no one's there for
You don't need to look far
I know what to do
Cuz I'm the one
Baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one

So when you think no one's there for
You don't need to look far
I know what to do
Cuz I'm the one
Baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one
[I will be the one]
When your dreams feel so out of reach
I'll give you that push
Baby all you need is
The one, baby, baby the one
The one, baby, baby the one
[I will be the one]

You know I'm gonna be the one
You know I'm gonna be the one
[I will be the one]
You know I'm gonna be the one
You know I'm gonna be the one
[You'll see that I will be the one]
You know I'm gonna be the one
You know I'm gonna be the one
[I will be the one]
You know I'm gonna be the one
You know I'm gonna be the one

I will be the one

-

With you, it's like flying a kite on a very windy day.

The thing that keeps us going

2011-03-06T10:37:00.004+08:00

Was randomly bloghopping and I came across Humairah's.

"Its getting hard. Its getting really really really hard. Its exhausting, and pointless, just for the sake of that certificate. And what happens to that certificate once you get it? It either ends up on the wall, or under the table. Both ways, it catches dust. There is no day that I wake up without first contemplating whether to head to school that day. What is this Humairah? You should be grateful that He has granted you another day. But what do you do? You worry, fret, stress it out. You're not supposed to stress it, you're supposed to streeetch it. It's frustrating. Because I feel so stupid in school, as if there's no hope. It's unfair, because I just cant seem to get it while everyone seems so much more better. I'm not naturally blessed with smart genes, I need to strive & work hard. But as much as I do it, I just cant seem to improve, I just cant seem to react well. It feels as if I'm being left behind. And I havent even tried hard enough. I know. It makes me feel like a big fool.

I have dreams. I have aspirations. Everyone has such high hopes on me, it makes me cry. It makes me sob buckets, just by imagining failure. I dont want to fail. I really do not want to. But at this rate.. I want to achieve my dreams. I want to go to Uni, because I know that will change everything, every single thing. I dont want to end up as a disappointment, triggering tears & pity comments from everyone.

I want a better life, for ibu, for ayah, for Rin, Icha, Alish & Sara. I want to make nyai & arwah atuk proud. I want to let everyone know that its possible, that a person like me can make it. I want to make my mum & dad so proud, so that they can proudly tell friends & relatives, 'That's her, that's my daughter'. I want to let everyone know that not only is it possible, its easy. I want them to take back all their hurtful words, because we're not stupid. I want them to regret ever cutting ties with us. I want to be the best example to my siblings, because there's no other person that they can look up to. I want them to know that it is possible. I want to make them all proud, so proud. I want to bring them all to hajj, many many many times. I want to bring my siblings on an airplane ride, to Disneyland, just the 5 of us. To treat them every single weekend. I want to make them happy.

But its hard."

I couldn't relate more to every single word she said.

Every. Single. Word.

Res-what?

2011-03-01T21:23:00.000+08:00

It just so happen that my thoughts have conversations of their own when I'm not in the right situation to pen them all down.

I've got so much to say. Yet I can't seem to find the words to form a simple proper sentence.

-

Scratch that. Maybe I could start with the exams.

Well, half of me is glad it's over. Year 1's basically over. But, the other half of me is begging to redo the exams. At least for the second one - LADEL. I knew it wasn't gonna be as challenging as DPL. So I guess I got a little over confident. No, a little laid back I would say. Besides, I don't why I just felt so drained out to even memorise anything. Just my luck - the Reading Development, which has the most number of stuff to memorise, was tested. And guess what. I boldly chose to not memorise that topic the night before the exam. Bravo, Hanis, Bravo *clapclap*

Okay la, enough about exams. Depressing man. Lets just wait for the 25th and see what's in store for meeee :(

Next, PUNCAK!!!

HAHAHA xD Like the rest, I miss Puncak alreadyyy. Though it was tiring and kinda irritating and annoying at times, I'm so freaking happy to have had the opportunity to be part of the opening dance. Well, at one point of time, I even thought I wouldn't be selected. I mean, I'm one of the weakest dancers we've got. So... :/

Besides the opportunity to dance with live music by OrkeStar Trio, which was a super duper awesome-mazing experience, it was an opportunity to bond with everyone else. I don't feel as awkward and out as I used to when we first started. I loike, I loike :D

Oh, and thanks Cikgu for the treat after that!

So, what did I do on Monday? Spend the day all by myself at home watching movies - Grown Ups, Never Let Me Go and She's Out of My League. Three totally different kinds of movies. Wanted to watch Scott Pilgrim vs The World. Then probably 15 minutes into the movie and I thought it was boring. Haha. Grown Ups and She's Out of My League totally cracked me up.

Never Let Me Go was such a sad story. It was kind of melancholic at first, slow and rather boring. But as the story built up, I thought it was a very interesting and thought-provoking, mind-blowing kinda movie. It’s definitely totally different than the kind of movies I always enjoy watching, those typical chick flicks or romance-comedy kinda movies. The storyline, the plot, everything was different.

I swear I didn’t know Andrew Garfield was in the movie, but he’s cute. Yeap, he’s cute :P Anyways. It’s really seriously sad la! Ugh. The part when they were told there was no such thing as a deferral was the part I started to tear. Then I just couldn’t stop crying. I mean I was just crying till the end of the movie :’{ So freaking saaaaaaddd!

Tuesday was KitKat Day ♥ Watched Letters to Juliet with Nadiah and it's a really really nice show (: And the English man was undeniably handsome and/or cute. Haha. And then ended the day with Oh! My School. That must be the first time I watched it. That must be the first time I watched KBS World. Truthfully, I hardly watch the channels I have on Mio. Haha.

Lets end it here. Work at KK resumes tomorrow *shrugs*

Life & Tango

2011-02-18T13:33:00.011+08:00

It finally sunk in.

It being the fact that yesterday was the last day of school for me. Last day of the semester. Last day of the academic year. Now, I'm just sitting at home with no plans. Not even planning to start preparing for the upcoming exams. This must be the first time I slept in, the first time I stayed in bed for about 9 hours, the first time I'm staying at home for at least 24 hours, the first time in a long time. Been so busy with school and stuff - assignments and trainings. Lets just say I'm recharging myself for the study break. I'm already starting to freak out for the exams. Just got this feeling that I've not done well enough for this semester.

Lets see what I've got.

Developmental Psychology and Learning (II)
Class Quiz (20%) : A+
Group Project (30%) : B+
Written Exam (40%)
Class Participation (10%)

Introduction to Children's Literature
Individual Assignment 1 (25%) : B+
Individual Assignment 2 (30%)
Group Assignment (35%)
Class Participation (10%)

Language Development and Learning
Individual Assignment (20%) : B+
Group Assignment (30%)
Written Exam (40%)
Class Participation (10%)

Speech and Presentation Skills
Reading Assessment (40%) : B
Storytelling Assessment (50%)
Class Participation (10%)

Technology for Teaching and Learning
Written Test (25%) : A
Individual Assignment (25%) : B
Group Assignment (40%)
Class Participation (10%)

I have higher hopes for group projects this semester. Please please, don't disappoint me. Haha. But seriously, I think I've put in a lot of effort for the group projects leh. I know we might not be the group with the best literacy programme, or the best children's book, and definitely not the best webpage. But, ugh, nevermind. i just really truly hope that all the effort and hardwork put in wouldn't be wasted.

Our baby, the love of my life (:

My life's been revolving around school huh. Nerd, I like :D

-

11th Feb CNY with the girls fun-er than I thought it would be! I learnt so much in just one day. It was probably the first time I played with poker cards. But nothing beats MAHJONG! Hahaha, I don't know why but it's just so fun! Like, it gets me excited just thinking about mahjong. Okay, i sound like some insane woman on the loose but, nothing but the truth :D

First time "celebrating" Chinese New Year. It was the first time I went visiting and besides the games they play, I also got to experience what it was like to go visiting with madarin oranges etc etc. Haha. We are all learning everyday, aren't we? I should stop crapping la.

Anyways, this was how I spent CNY with my dearest BF.

Breakfast at MacDonalds, visit great-grandma at Tampines, visit grandma at NUH, dinner at Burger King. I love loove 030211 ♥

Right out of my mouth

2011-02-15T15:53:00.001+08:00

"it’s annoying that i can’t pinpoint this feeling that has been bothering me since just now. i feel so insecure, like as though i’m going to lose everything. i feel as though i need some time alone, away from friends, just to keep in touch with the inner me. but the irony is, i feel as though i’m not socialising enough, feel as though i’m shying away from people. feel as though i’m too reliant till the point that i sometimes can’t even assure myself." - Azura (http://ohgloryy.wordpress.com/)

Wokie dokie

2011-02-10T21:37:00.003+08:00

It's truly amazing how little things can make such huge impacts.

And as usual, it's the little things that are never forgotten. It just takes a little nudge to jolt your memory of it.

What crap am I blabblering?

Anyway, been coming home really late for the past 3 days. So glad there wasn't any training today. I think I'd die of exhaustion. Although I think I'm dying from backaches and cramps. Sigh. On top of that, there are still 2 more assignments due next week :{ AKU PENAT NAK MAMPUS LA!

I've been trying to control the complaining monster in me, but I really am tired :'( Hope all the effort and hardwork and consistency and perseverance and discipline and time and sacrifices I've been putting in pays off. Cheyyyyy! Hahaha.

Really excited to see the end product of our book. Hahaha :D

Going CNY-ing with the girls tomorrow. Don't know what to expect. And the other Malay girls bailed out on me, ugh. Oh well...

-

We made machines that can do almost anything,
But we still can’t seem to fix the way we think.
We found a way to cross the world in just a day,
But we still don’t pick the phone up when it rings.

There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept
Things we don't want to know but have to learn
& people we can't live without but have to let go

These must be the wisest words.

To each his own

2011-01-30T22:47:00.001+08:00

Finding my way back

Plucking every bit of courage I have

I don't know how to trust anymore

2011-01-28T23:00:00.001+08:00

Boy, that was really sweet of you.
But ...

I'm a nerd and I love it

2011-01-28T09:45:00.003+08:00

My mind was totally set to "No need to wake up early" mode. So when Mother woke me up to accompany her to the clinic, I could barely open my eyes. I feel so bad that she's gone to see the doctor by herself. Oh well..

Today's Spend-quality-time-with-Mother Day (: Father has gone to work as usual. Brother won't be back from school till quite late (oh, he makes me miss St. John even more *pouts*).

I've been sleeping late everyday now. Yes, sleeping at 12 plus, or even worse, 1 plus in the morning is definitely something different for me. My bedtime is usually 10pm. And having to stay up for another 3 hours has really taken its toll on me. For the sake of my A's.. Wait, I'm not getting A's!! ;{ I just don't know how others do it. Maybe I'm not putting in enough effort. But hooowww, with all the trainings, by the time I reach home it's already 11pm. Wah piang eh..!

But I must say that I'm really really glad and thankful to be in MX's group for DPL's one and only assignment. Cannot screw the assignment up since it's 30% and I think I've screwed up my Case Study test which was 20% :{

It's mostly good to be in a top student's group 'cause it means good quality work and no last-minute stuff. Hate doing things last-minute. SO glad we're almost done :D

Working with the same old group of people for LADEL and CHLT group assignment. This time round it seems like a good thing. Haha, we've not gotten any A's for any of our group assignments last semester. But I really really really hope that we'll get an A, if not A+, for our book. Real hardwork put into doing a children's storybook okay! It'll be nice if our book gets published. Okay, we're dreaming, but this is one of the motivation for us to do a really good book.

Got back our PROP group assignment from last semester yesterday, and we got a B+! Not bad la. In fact, all our group assignments are either B or B+. Keep up the good work girls!

-

Let's see what's my Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday was like..

I remembered Tuesday as a good day. No DPL lecture. LADEL was ... And CHLT became like an art lesson, since Ms Jean taught us how to draw for our book. My cow looked like a pig instead, and my penguin looked like it got its fins from a shark -.- And although some words made put me down, I'll keep trying, not giving up, and "tell myself I've done good". ANYWAYS, Azzah's birthday surprise was a success (: And the cake was niceeee~

Wednesday was remembered as a very tiring day. Fell alseep during TETL tutorial. Training ended late. And the "best" part was, Father was not at home 'cause he went over to Nyai's and I had to go home alone. Wah, hate it. It's either I have to walk past the coffee shops filled with all the apeks and the smell of beer, or walk through a few blocks where it's really quiet and eerie. Ugh.

Thursday! There was only LADEL lecture from 4 to 6pm, but came to school in the morning to do up CHLT. Was so tired that I fell asleep during lecture later. I'm still amazed at how I managed to copy down all the notes 'cause I remember everything was a daze.

Okay, bye! :D

Ku Tetapkan Menunggumu

2011-01-27T08:42:00.001+08:00

Ku tetap kan menunggu mu
Walau apa pun berlaku
Ku tetap kan bersama mu
Hanya waktu yang berlalu

Ku impikan dikau selalu
Hanya itu yang ku mampu
Masih terasa sentuhmu
Kapan lagi kan bertemu

Ku berjanji kan selalu
Di sampingmu walau jauh
Jauh ke hujung dunia ini
Ku tetap kan menunggu mu
Jangan bimbang jangan ragu
Kau tetap bintang hatiku
Kekal sehingga akhir hayatku
Ku tetapkan menunggu
Ku tetapkan menunggumu

Ku impikan dikau slalu
hanya itu yang ku mampu
Masih terasa sentuhmu
Kapan lagi kan bertemu

Still

2011-01-24T20:52:00.007+08:00

I was waiting for the bus and there was this girl, probably a year or two younger than me, behind me. I don't know why but I kinda thought I saw myself in her. I saw myself probably a few years back. I don't know how to elaborate but, ya, I thought I saw myself. Not in appearance wise, but, I don't know, the way she carried herself? That strong yet innocent personality. I'm not saying I was strong and innocent. Guess that she sort of radiated this pure kinda vibe. Yes, pure as in pure and ... real? Ya, maybe.

She kinda stood up for what she "believed" in. I'm too embarrassed to say what exactly happened (Hey! I had my reasons, okay!) so I don't really quite know how to bring my message across. Oh heck, I'm just doing a little self-reflection. A reflection on how much one can change in a matter of a few years. We all gradually change I guess. For the better, or the worse. Just one thing I wish didn't change - my really positive view of life. I miss that really cheerful, happy girl I was. I was right? Okay, nevermind, I think I was.

I had this sort of motivation to wake up every morning. Like, I was always looking forward to ... something. But now, it's like ... mundane? Ya, my days can be really dreadful. Especially when you spend 12 hours in school once or twice a week. I won't deny there are days where I'm really happy. Like over the moon happy. Like when I see the lovebirds spending time with each other, laughing, teasing and just having fun. Frankly, the "D" word has been a taboo for me. It terrifies me. The very moment I hear anyone mention it, it just throws me back to what happened a few months ago. And I can just picture every single thing. If possible, I don't want my 18th birthday to come. I'm just scared.

-

Okay, da bis.

Went back to ACM with the girls.

Went to art.friend for the first time! Shit, I know I'm artistically disabled, but I just felt like buying everything from the shop! Haha.

My Sunday started really slow. I took relatively longer to warm up. I just felt so ... blue and liveless. But had fun with Kat at BK :D

And, yes, she bought me donuts. Yumzy (: But don't know why so random. Well, she said she bought me donuts 'cause I'm sad. Really meh? Haha.

And not forgetting our star of the day: Afiqah Liyana! Supposed to be observing the brother but ended up layan-ing her. And she simply love cycling! Haha, so yeah, cycled with her. Wah, damn shiok! xD

Then with her skateboard. Haha :D

Oh well, today's mock test wasn't so bad. Can you believe it?? I actually knew all along that today, Monday, is T04's freaking bad luck to have the mock test first, AND YET AT THE SAME TIME I WAS THINKING IT'S WEEKS AWAY?! Like, what the heck is wrong with me?! I think I really need to rest. My mind's really messed up and not to mention, exhausted.

Bla bla black sheep, I hope I get back on track soon, recover soon, and do better for the real storytelling assessment!

Living up to my own expectations

2011-01-22T08:50:00.006+08:00

I'm not the kind to make new year's resolutions because I don't exactly believe in them. Rather, resolutions are made along the way.

But nevertheless, I told myself that anything can happen in 2011. And no matter what happens, I just want to be a better person - a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better student. I want to try to understand others more, trying not to jump to conclusions all the time. I want to take things as lightly as possible, be less sensitive but be more everytime I put myself in other people's shoes. I'm gonna have to be more patient with people, although sometimes it really drives me up the wall when someone gets fucking pissed off at me simply because I did something he/she has been doing for countless of times. Patience is a virtue.

I want to put everyone else first. I really hope to be less selfish. I'm a 100% sure that every single one of us are selfish. Take for instance last night. I really wanted to help the lady. It was obvious she was helpless as she had to sit beside the drunk man who was leaning in on her every now and then. I tried blaming other guys in the freaking bus who acted like she was invisible. But then, it hit me. If I wasn't selfish, if I wasn't so scared that he might do something that would scare me, I wouldn't have expected somebody else to help her. I would have done it myself. I would have helped her myself. It's selfishness on my part.

I would also like to learn to be more independent. More like, to be less dependent on people that have proven time and again to be unrealiable. I would looove to focus on the positive stuff and take the negative ones as challenges. I'm not gonna stoop to their level because they're just gonna bring me down. I'm gonna stop putting myself down all the time, but learn to love myself more.

A few days back, I kinda had encounters that made me realise that I can't help you if I'm not sure myself. And I can't help you if you are not gonna help yourself. I can't be certain where I stand in your life anyways.

I'm gonna have to learn to trust people all over again. I won't deny that everything that happened in the last 5 years of my life have hindered myself from trusting people. And I would have a really difficult time realising one of my biggest dreams if I can't learn to trust. I admit it's gonna be a challenge for me as I am at a stage where I'm meeting more people, more new people and I have to get to know them from scratch.

Most importantly, I'm gonna have to be strong. I've got to stay strong come what may.

I question myself too

2011-01-20T22:06:00.002+08:00

I was singing while printing all the stuff. Out of the blue, Father asked.. "Are you singing happily or are you singing your blues away?" I was caught off guard by his question. So, I just simply said "Neither." He asked again, "So, are you happy or are you not?" I really didn't know how to answer his question. All I could do was continue singing 7 Things since that song was playing.

Was it the song? Or was it purely out of concern? I wonder too.

But truthfully, I really don't know how I'd answer that question. If he was referring to life as a whole, I guess I should be contented. We all should be contented and thankful. But that's contentment. If you're talking about happiness, I guess it's a totally different thing. As much as we all should be contented, being happy probably means realising your dreams. And, so far, I don't think I've realised any of my dreams. Maybe one or two, but not those really big dreams we all have. Not those dreams that give you the drive to wake up every morning and accomplish something, something small that's gonna help you realise your big dreams. Anyway, I'm probably still on my way there. I hope (:

Change is the only constant?

2011-01-17T09:35:00.001+08:00

"Leave my door open just a crack , Cause I feel like such an insomniac , Why do I tire of counting sheep , When I’m far too tired to fall asleep.

And just when my world came falling down , I couldn’t Find you.

I know you’re there , I just don’t feel like talking to you , I see you as a different person , That one person I was afraid you would become"

My 2010

2011-01-14T10:01:00.000+08:00

The last chapter

2011-01-01T15:40:00.008+08:00

I guess my last day of 2010 was rather fruitful, spending time with two friends. It was filled with fun and laughter. Although I went to a funeral after that.

It was an impromptu decision to go to the Singapore Botanical Gardens. Too bad Shithead couldn't join us. So, as usual, we grabbed some food at NTUC before train-ing to Orchard. Then we got lost. We didn't know where to take the bus to SBG. Ended up taking a cab there.

Started off with Monopoly Deal. I didn't win a single round thanks to the girls. Then we went on to Twister. Funny shit. I remember falling on my butt while trying to play Twister and talking to Mother on the phone -.- All the time we were playing, we were snacking too. Perangai gemuk. Seriously. Next up was Uno. Pardon me, but I can't recall much. The fever is getting the better of me.

Tried doing jumpshots before heading home, before it started raining heavily. EPIC FAIL. Not one successful jumpshot -.- Was caught in the rain but good thing, Asnira's dad fetched us. Rushed home, took a quick shower and off the cemetery. That was my first time observing someone dikebumikan. And that was also when my throat started to hurt even more, my nose started to leak and my back started to ache. Before I knew it, my temperature has shot right up. Then I felt like I went into a coma after eating some medicine, and woke up 13 hours later.

It's a (brand) new year

2010-12-31T22:12:00.000+08:00

The truth hurts

2010-12-28T19:31:00.002+08:00

i miss the bond we shared . who wouldnt miss that comfortable feeling with a person where we could talk for hours about everything , anything and not have a problem with the silence in the middle . stupid or not , everything was just so fun . endless nights , real talks , the “ remember whens ” . but it is funny what life does , how it could just give you things and take it away so soon . you grow distant from people and good things come to an end . life goes on . you just gotta pick yourself up and learn to keep up .

No need for words

2010-12-27T00:04:00.002+08:00

Love Day Out

2010-12-26T11:39:00.003+08:00

If you were to ask me how I'd describe yesterday in one word, it would 'SPECTACULAR' (:

A day with the family was much needed. Although we've been spending quality time together at home, it was really nice to have an impromptu outing to Jurong Point. Well, Brother totally made the meal enjoyable. Laughed so hard my tummy hurts, on top of the Sliced Fish Hor Fun that was so alot and killing me. Haha. Yes, we were supposed to eat at Wendy's but ended up at Banquet -.-

We were talking about the cili api Father was eating together with his noodles. And he used the word "baka". Brother heard "barcode", Mother heard "bakul". Then when I used the word again, Brother heard "buckle". Hahaha. There were also a few other incidence where Brother made a fool of himself. He totally cracked me up la.

-

HAPPY 18TH ANNIVERSARY

♥

A step closer to the edge

2010-12-23T07:52:00.004+08:00

It haunted me all night. Well, I dreamt about it. It was real. It seemed real. But truth is, it wasn't. Anddd the truth hurts. Anyhow, I figured what was bugging me. What kept me on the edge. It wasn't the fact that he's doing something almost everyone is. But more like the fact that I didn't know. More like the feeling of being insignificant. The feeling like you no longer matter the most.

Not anymore..

Andaiku tahu

2010-12-22T18:59:00.001+08:00

This picture jolted me right back into ... Nevermind.

A getaway

2010-12-21T08:33:00.005+08:00

I wanted to spend a week of my term break on a beach, where you can hear the waves crashing, birds chirping, children laughing, the wind blowing. I know I'm a little nuts 'cause that's not gonna happen. Well, I settled for a walk around the neighbourhood before buying the kids breakfast. The morning breeze was super refreshing and the sun wasn't shining too brightly. And, trust me, you can hear all sorts of birds chirping every morning if you live on the tenth floor. Some even pay you a visit in the kitchen. Haha. Went to the usual bakery after getting the kids' breakfast. The smell of the freshly baked breads were simply delightful. Managed to get a glimpse of them making the bread from the dough too. I know what you're thinking, I must be nuts *insert grin*

-

So, I didn't do anything productive yesterday. I felt like I just mopped around. Kames came over, mainly to print out her school stuff. Tried doing TETL E-learning but gave up 'cause my dearest laptop hang on me a couple of times. So, cooked myself lunch while Kames cooked herself lunch. Watched Top Chef and The Bachelorette. Downloaded a whole bunch of games from the app store after she left. Sleep. Watch TV. Blah blah blah. Yeah, a pretty mundane Monday.

Well, before yesterday, went to Asrina's wedding. I think we stayed longer than I thought we would. We came early and we wanted to see them sanding. So we waited till the groom came.

Then, at night, the little mosnters came to have another sleepover. Yes, the birthday boy too.

-

Will never find this too cheesy ♥

-

I want to see the Christmas lightings and the New Year's fireworks.

Story of my life

2010-12-18T14:56:00.002+08:00

House Life

2010-12-16T09:18:00.003+08:00

School's been good. The girls have been a really nice bunch to be with. Days in school are never complete without laughters and stupid jokes and stupid things. HAHA ♥ The first term of the second semester is coming to an end. Like really soon. Submitting TETL Individual Assignment today, CHLT and LADEL lecture later at 3. Then the museum day tomorrow will officially be the closing ceremony of the term :D

We're going to the Peranakan Museum and ACM. Can't wait, though I have no idea what's in store for me tomorrow. We never know what's in store for us I guess. Like how I thought everything was gonna be okay-er than I thought.

Brother's coming back from his holiday tomorrow, I think. Doubt he bought any souvenir for me! Haha. So, for the past weekdays, been at home alone whenever I'm not in school from 8 in the morning till 6 in the evening. Well, both of them are working office hours now. (So, I know when to party during weekdays, heh!) But it gets really sad at times. Bleh. Let's look on the bright side - I have mum and dad ALL to myself without having Brother to hog the spotlight. That reminds me - I haven't argued with anyone since he left :D

Oh. Yesterday's TETL lesson was still on Photoshop. But I think I fell in love with PS yesterday! Hahaha. Imma spend my term break with PS and completing E-learning and DPL assignment, besides the trainings I have to go to. Yay. Hopefully, I'll make full use of the break to do something productive and meaningful. AND FUN. Oh, I hope to catch on Hellcats, Glee, Brothers & Sisters too.

And I've been doing a lot *toot toot* HAHA! I want to paint my nails and I'm starting to love glitter, alot. And, I want to get those necklaces caaaaan :{

Stop pollution

2010-12-15T09:52:00.002+08:00

Look at those poor animals. Imagine you were one of them.

I think it's really sad. I think people can be really selfish and irresponsible.